Will I forget?

When I see Grace sitting on her blanket playing, or up in her high chair eating baby food, or taking up so much more space on my lap than she did a couple months ago, I want to freeze every moment and remember it forever.

Our little girl is growing up so fast. Her own little personality is developing.

I'll tell you what else is developing: major separation anxiety. Though it's obviously anxiety-provoking for Grace to be handed off to anyone except me or John, I think it's as much if not more distressing for me to hear her crying her head off. Aaack. I hope this does not last too long.
After a fun lunch out with John and a good friend, I am in an after-lunch stupor, so I think this will have to be it for now. Might as well grab a nap, short as it may be, while Grace is sleeping...at least for now.

Don't blink or you'll miss it!

Fall is upon us. Actually, I think the first official day of the season is Saturday, but if I don't start thinking "fall" right now, from the very beginning of the season, it'll be Christmas before I know it. I can't count on the weather (which has been really lovely, but will be in the 90s the next few days) to put me in the spirit of autumn.

'Tis the season for baking. Must be, because I'm not usually overly excited when I read baking blogs. This morning, however, as I was perusing My Baking Addiction I found three recipes I feel I need to try: pumpkin granola bars, candy corn oreo truffles, and German chocolate brownies.

And I don't even really love candy corn or alternatively flavored oreos. Or German chocolate, for that matter. But somehow the recipes spoke to me today.

We'll see if those experiments come to pass!

What absolutely must happen is baking up some pumpkin bread. It's John's favorite, and I'm trying to make it more of a priority to make him feel special since I've kind of dropped the ball on our relationship since Grace came into our family. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's the truth. Being a counselor, I logically know all about the importance of choosing to connect with your mate. I just never imagined how motherhood would zap me of all energy and creativity by  Grace's bedtime.

In case any of you care, this is the pumpkin bread recipe I use (straight from Katie Wilkinson, who I don't know, but contributed this recipe to the cookbook from Bella Vista First United Methodist Church, where my grandparents attended):

Pumpkin Bread I

3 c. granulated sugar                                            2 tsp. salt (scant)
1 c. vegetable oil                                                  1/2 tsp. ground cloves
4 eggs, beaten                                                       1 tsp. cinnamon
1 (1 lb.) can pumpkin                                           1 tsp. allspice
3 1/2 c. flour                                                         1 tsp. nutmeg
2 tsp. baking soda                                                 2/3 c. water

"Mix sugar, oil and eggs together; add pumpkin. Add dry ingredients. Add water; stir just until mixed. Pour batter into 2 greased and floured 5x9-inch loaf pans. (I use only Pam to grease the pans.) Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.
"This is an Amish recipe and it's my favorite bread to have with coffee at breakfast."

Thank you, Katie Wilkinson. I love your pumpkin bread with coffee, too!

Easy Dinner

Oh, I just can't get enough of this beautiful girl!

OK. Unless she's taking 45 minutes to eat or only sleeping for 20 minutes at nap times all day. On those days, someone is welcome to come relieve me so I can actually get something done. Or take a nap.

Look!

It's her new favorite position when she's playing on the floor or in her crib (which she sometimes does rather than take a nap!). Crawling will be here before we know it. And right now I'm hoping she waits to crawl until the new battery charger for the camera arrives in the mail. We seem to have lost the original, and the camera is on it's last little bit of battery power.

It's times like these I kind of wish I weren't the only person in the world without a smart phone. My vintage phone just doesn't take good pictures. Then common sense reminds me that a $5 battery charger is a heck of a lot cheaper than a smart phone monthly plan. Plus, I'm sure we have some time before Grace really crawls.

Because I love spending time with Grace (and some days I do a lot of that since she won't take a real nap, or is having a growth spurt and wants to eat all the time, or is just plain fussy and needy), most the time dinners need to be relatively easy and quick to make. Thanks to my friend Stacy, I have a copy of her favorite week of menus from emeals.com. (This is not a paid advertisement. In fact, I've never bought any eMeals plans and probably won't, but I'm sure it's a great deal for a lot of people.) eMeals features super easy recipes, and one of the recipes from the week I have is quickly becoming one of our favorite dinners.

Crustless Spinach Quiche
1 c 2% shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 c fat-free half-and-half
1/3 c pesto, drain oil off
10 oz. pkg frozen chopped spinach, thawed/drained
1 1/2 c egg substitute (optional) OR 4-5 eggs or egg whites, whatever combo you'd like
Option: You can also place sliced tomatoes on top of the quiche before you bake it.

Combine all ingredients and pour into a sprayed pie plate. Bake at 375 for 45 to 55 minutes.

Six Months

Sometimes when I look at pictures of Grace from several months ago I get a little teary-eyed.

I can't imagine what it's going to be like in ten or 15 years!

But then, Grace is so beautiful and smiley and happy and fun that I can't be sad for long. She really is a delightful little girl.

Grace still eats veggies once a day and loves them. She's tried carrots, peas and avocados so far. I think this weekend we'll be having squash, so she can try that.

This weekend we were in Arkansas at John's uncle's lake house for a family reunion. Everybody got to meet Grace, and we got to meet her second cousin who is just 7 weeks old. Grace even went swimming in a two-foot deep little baby pool; she had a blast!

Now that she's rolling over, scooting herself around and sitting I know the day is just around the corner when I will not be able to leave her alone in a room for a second.

Here's how our six-month photo shoot ended yesterday:

She is pretty darling if I do say so myself.

Welcome to my trains of thought.

Bananas always seem like a good idea at the store, but then it all seems like a waste of money later in the week as they're languishing in the fruit bowl on the counter. All the bananas reach the perfect stage of ripeness at the same time and then begin to get too ripe the next day. Who's going to eat a whole bunch of bananas in one day?

I bought some Magnum bars yesterday at Target because they remind me of Amsterdam. This makes me think of Albert Heijn brand kaneel roomijs (cinnamon ice cream); now that really reminds me of the Netherlands!

Grace basically sat all by herself in her baby bathtub last night during bathtime. This morning she was extremely interested in herself in the mirror for the first time. She kept putting her head right up to the mirror and smiling.

Now that we're composting as well as recycling pretty much everything, we really hardly have any regular trash.

I was proud of our low trash content until I began thinking about all the water we use doing laundry. What with the cloth diapers and spit-up all over everything forcing multiple changes of clothing in one day (not to mention the mountainous piles of burp cloths we go through), we do at least two or three loads of laundry a day it seems.

We may spend a fortune on water, but we bought enough laundry detergent on Amazon to last us the next two years, and buying in bulk is really pretty cheap. I recommend Charlie's Soap Powder if you want a hypoallergenic, natural laundry soap. We bought it to use for cloth diapers and now use it for all our laundry. (This is not a paid advertisement. Charlie's Soap doesn't even know who I am.)

I wonder if I have time to whip up a batch of cinnamon roll dough while Grace is sleeping? (Yes, sleeping! Yesterday she took two long naps with relatively little crying involved and has now been sleeping for almost an hour.)

I'd better go do that right now!

What it took to get groceries this morning

1. Late morning feeding after a (miraculous) hour-long nap.
2. Finally get both of us dressed for the day
3. Carry Grace around in an upright position for a few minutes to get her to burp
4. Gather grocery list and diaper bag and place Grace in her car seat
5. Realize her diaper must have leaked because her skirt is all wet
6. Take Grace out of the car seat and back to her changing table to remedy the leaky diaper and change her skirt to a pair of shorts (Somehow the shorts still match the shirt she's wearing.)
7. While buckling her into the car seat (again), Grace spits up massively all over the car seat and her shirt.
8. Remove her from her car seat and back to the changing table for a change of shirt
9. Look at clock and realize she probably should have a nap in 45 minutes or so
10. Contemplate not even getting groceries today. We can eat bread, eggs, carrots and water for a couple meals, right?
11. Power through, get Grace back in her car seat (for the third time) and hope we can just get back home in time for a quick 30-minute nap (That doesn't happen, by the way. She sleeps for 10 minutes on the way home from the store and then refuses to sleep any more once we get home.)
12. Wonder how on earth moms with more than one kid ever get anywhere

Alone

John whisked Grace away for a walk after she ate breakfast this morning. They haven't returned, and I have now had an hour by myself in the house. Whereas last Sunday I arrived at church looking like I'd just rolled out of bed with no makeup and my hair going everywhere, I actually ironed a shirt, applied some makeup and did my hair today. Amazing what you can do with fifteen minutes sans baby.

I am cautiously optimistic that I can get to church with this same ironed shirt on my body. I'm always one spit-up away from throwing on whatever I can get my hands on just before I have to walk out the door.

I'm still not entirely comfortable leaving Grace with anyone except John. While it's nice to be able to take a nap when relatives are here, or go out for a few hours with my husband, or leave Grace in the nursery at church...I still have a little bit of nagging worry the entire time. In these moments when I get to be alone and John is caring for Grace, I can finally relax and not worry one bit.

Or I can be a little appalled at the state of my soul. When was the last time I thought about who I am or where I am? When did I last sit and listen to my Creator? Physically, I may be looking better than I did last Sunday, but spiritually it's rather like realizing I haven't had a shower in a week...or even looked at myself in the mirror or brushed my teeth or combed my hair.

I finally have a minute to really contemplate what a good friend shared with me last week: I need to figure out how to live in God's presence, doing everything in worship, amidst the day-to-day routine, the crying, and the constant presence of my child.

I need to be OK with not serving and ministering like I used to - outside the home all the time. This is a phase I'm in, and growing up my little girl is important. So is being a wife, a role I have kind of let go of and need to renew.

Quiet time is over now. My family is back home. Maybe I've at least showered and combed my hair. Maybe this is enough to spark in me a desire to find moments in my day to be still and quiet, to connect with the One who makes me clean and alive.

I hear crying in my head.

Two weeks ago I wrote that I have more free time now that Grace is getting formula for half her feedings. Apparently that doesn't translate into regular posting on the blog!

The newest event in Grace's life over the last two weeks is "eating" vegetables. Actually, she's started doing pretty well at swallowing the food rather than just spitting it out everywhere, though I still imagine she's only ingesting about half a tablespoon when she eats.

First there were carrots:

On one hand, it looks like she hates them, but on the other hand, she keeps grabbing for the spoon and leaning forward for more bites. The nasty face has since disappeared, so I think it was the texture that was a turn-off while the taste was new and yummy. She must be getting accustomed to the texture of pureed veggies now.

This week we started peas:

I don't know if she likes peas more than carrots or has just gained some skill in eating, but the peas do not seem to end up everywhere like the carrots.

We took our first trip to the zoo where Grace pretty much noticed ceiling fans and fences, but as you can see from the picture she was happy about it!

(I'm sure she saw the chimps who were right up at the window playing with the little boy standing next to us. That might be the extent of her animal viewing this trip.) The OKC zoo is pretty great; I think there are many more trips in our future. It was a fun morning spent with a friend and her two kiddos.

My parents came for a visit, and Grace discovered Grandpa's beard.

The photo is blurry, but her reaction to the beard on her face was hilarious!

Daddy picked some sunflowers for Grace:

She loves them. And she wants to eat them. She pretty much wants to eat everything.

If I could sum up the last couple days, I would show you a picture of Grace lying in her crib crying. However, I do not wish to remember this period of time so have not documented the torture we're all going through. I am trying to a.) get Grace to nap for longer than 20-30-minutes at a time, b.) wean her from being rocked to sleep, and c.) teach her to calm herself down and get to sleep on her own. The girl needs to nap! Being crabby and tired all day is not an option. There are differing opinions on the appropriate ways to do this, but I am using a method that a couple people have told me works within a few days.

So far, for most naps (including the one she is supposed to be taking right this minute), I get to listen to Grace make various noises and squeals for up to half an hour before she decides to start crying. I then go through intervals of listening to her cry and then attempting to calm her down until it's about time for her to eat again! Thankfully yesterday and today she has gotten one nice hour and a half or two hour nap, so I'm taking that as progress.

Unfortunately, the other two naps in the day consist mostly of a lot of crying and fussing with very little actual sleep. This makes for a most unpleasant evening. Last night I handed her off to John because I just couldn't bear the crying and fussing any more. Even when it's quiet, I imagine her crying in my head.

Hopefully, all this torture will end in a child who gets adequate sleep during the day and is able to be put down for a nap (or sleep at night) by anyone, including a babysitter because we need to start utilizing one of those for the sake of our marriage.

And....cue the crying. This will pass. I just need to keep telling myself that!

I used to be a writer.

So, I was just searching for a post I wrote about San Antonio, and in the process of finding it I stumbled upon a couple posts whose titles intrigued me. I can't remember what I had to eat for lunch, so I definitely can't remember anything I wrote on this blog two years ago...or more.

Turns out I used to be a pretty good writer. It makes me wonder how I can find more time to write now with an infant. Is that possible? However, even if I found the time it might turn out that my brain doesn't work quite the same as it used to. Or maybe I've lost sight of the humor in life now that I spend my days smelling like spit-up and wondering why on earth my five-month-old won't take a nap for longer than 30 minutes.

Somehow I doubt anyone else will think it's hilarious that my daughter will make high-pitched utterances for, literally, 15 minutes while trying to calm herself down to go to sleep and then suddenly conk out.

It's quite possible no one else will care that I still look at her face, her fingers, her little toes, her round knees, her beautiful dimples, and her eyes with their greys, blues, and browns and find it incredible that she's actually here. Our daughter is finally here, living with us, healthy, perfect.

Probably no one needs to read about a mother who can't adequately express how much she loves her daughter.

So, my material might need a little work.

But I should probably start off with finding some time. The moments are so rushed when Grace is sleeping and I'm not. (That has to do with the whole not sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time during the day.)

On that note, I must rush off to take a shower, get the dishes done, fold some laundry, make sure there's a clean bottle in the house, brush my teeth.....before it's time for her to wake up and eat again!

Has it really been three months?

This blog is becoming more and more sporadic! I have notes jotted down in various locations to try and remember everything our little princess is doing. I'm a bit sad that she's already five months old, despite very conscious attempts to cherish every moment.

So, on June 16 (according to a note I found), Grace rolled over purposefully for the first time. She was looking at me folding laundry, standing behind where she was laying on the floor. She waited until John came in to see what she was doing before she finally rolled over from her back to her tummy! Needless to say, she now does this constantly. She still has not really mastered rolling the other direction, although she does every once in a while. Once the rolling over became a regular occurrence (probably mid-July), we started leaving one of her arms out of her swaddle when she sleeps. This way she can sleep on her tummy and have more control over moving around and getting her head in an appropriate position to breathe.

Toward the middle of July, Grace started laughing. She'll laugh when tickled or if I make a funny face, but she just doesn't laugh all the time. I'm hoping she'll start to do more laughing rather than being an overly serious child. She sure does smile a lot, though!

About two days after her four-month check-up, Grace started doing push-ups. She's in better shape than I am! Just yesterday she began pushing up with her arms and putting one knee under her, so I can now imagine her crawling in a few months. This should be a sign that we need to start baby-proofing, but honestly we'll probably just procrastinate on that one until she actually breaks something we care about or nearly injures herself on some object we generally consider innocuous.

Unfortunately, Grace was underweight at her four-month checkup. She only gained a bit over a pound in two months, but she grew to 24 inches. Ever since that appointment on July 5, eating has been the focus of my life: me eating more, Grace nursing enough and latching correctly, pumping, pumping, and more pumping to try to increase supply. My quality of life has taken a nosedive. Seems it was all for naught since we returned to the doctor at five months only to find all that work only added a few more ounces to our daughter's little body. From the way she acts you'd never know she was underweight. She seems perfectly healthy, but I realize she probably should gain more than a few ounces in a month...or a pound in two months. I guess my breast milk is the equivalent of water from a calorie standpoint. I don't even understand how this is possible.

On the bright side, I've cut down the nursing and pumping, so I feel I have more free time. Since Grace takes a bottle half the time, if anyone else is around, they can feed her while I get in what feels like extra hours of non-feeding related activity. Hopefully one day she can weigh enough that I don't have to feed her every three hours and wake her up at 10:30 p.m. to feed her once again before she sleeps through the night.

At five months, because of the calorie/weight issues, I started giving her rice cereal once a day. I highly doubt this will actually add any calories to her diet since I'm guessing she may ingest only a couple teaspoons of the stuff. The majority of it gets spit or drooled out all over her bib, arms, hands, legs, and me. She's still getting the hang of swallowing without sucking. I add a tiny bit of cinnamon to the cereal since she seems to like it better that way. Next week we'll try some real vegetable puree.

At the end of July, Grace took her first trip to Estes Park. It was the perfect week to leave Oklahoma as the temperatures soared into the 110's for the first time all summer. The cool air in Estes Park was perfection. Grace loved hiking (aka: sleeping in her ergo baby carrier). She had a little cold while we were there, so it was nice to have some extra hands around to help with the parenting duties. This vacation also included Grace's first airplane ride. She loved it: being held the entire time and getting to see so many people smiling at her. Granted, the flight was only an hour and a half, so I'm not sure we're ready to head off to Australia or anything yet.

Two days after we got home, our power went out...for two days. It was in the 100's those days. We moved out, quickly and in the dark, that first night and stayed with a friend. I became horribly ill the day we moved back home. Is there such a thing as a 24-hour flu? If so, I had it.

And this will have to do for now. Time to feed our little munchkin again! Maybe the next post will be some photos.

Catching Up

I just can’t keep up! I should be writing more often to document Grace’s growth. It is happening so fast!

Soon after Grace turned one month, she started smiling at us. She now smiles quite a lot when she’s awake. A couple weeks ago she started “talking” to us a little more during her awake playtimes. She gurgles, and makes delighted noises. At her two-month appointment she weighed 9 lbs., 10 oz. and was 22 inches long. That’s the 18^th percentile for weight and 34^th for height.  She’s on her own little growth curve, so everything’s going well. She’s just a bit on the petite side (imagine that!). Also at that appointment, her pediatrician remarked on how well she can hold her head up. She definitely holds her head and shoulders up off the ground during tummy time. In fact, she refuses to lay her head down when she’s on her tummy! I’m a little sad she won’t sleep on top of my chest (then we could both get a nap at the same time), but lying on her tummy is apparently unbearable.

Saturday night I let Grace sleep as long as she would without getting her up to eat in the middle of the night. I fed her at 11 and she slept until 6:30! I’m still trying to figure out how best to do the late evening feeding and not have her wake up hungry at 5 a.m. I do not wish to start my day at 5 a.m. I know overall she’s a great sleeper, especially at night. The past couple days, she’s not been a great napper. She napped a whole lot on Sunday, then yesterday and today it’s been next to impossible to get her to sleep during the day. If she does fall asleep and I put her down, the nap only lasts for about 15 minutes before she wakes up.

Grace seems to be very social. (Although, busy days also tend to wear her out and cause her to sleep a lot the following day.) When we’re hanging out with friends, other kids or lots of family members, or when we have activities like church, Bible study, or lunch dates she seems extraordinarily happy. She’ll spend lots of time awake and happy, and then sleep in someone’s arms very contentedly when she’s tired.

On days like today, when she just won’t stay asleep if I lay her down, I usually resign myself to holding her for a nap at one point in the afternoon. I remind myself that rocking my baby is something that will be gone in the blink of an eye, so I just forget my to-do list and enjoy staring at her cute face and feeling her breathe. So what if the laundry doesn’t get done and the house is dirty?

Playtimes consist of laying on her play mat staring at the toys and accidentally batting at them, looking at her favorite book, “Look, Look” (a black and white picture book that makes her smile every time we read it), taking walks, rocking in her swing, sitting in her bouncy seat while I make dinner, dancing around with me, holding a rattle, singing songs while lying in my lap, smelling different things from the kitchen, and tummy time.

Despite the lack of daytime sleep the last couple days, I absolutely love being Grace’s mom and seeing her grow and change so quickly!

Miracles sometimes happen.

There’s an ear mark on my arm. (Not to be confused with an earmark. No, there’s not a legislative provision tattooed on my arm.)It’s a cute little ear indentation left behind by my daughter who spent the last 30 minutes getting comfy and falling asleep on my arm.

I love it.

I won’t go into detail, but I found out yesterday that the saga of reproductive health issues has already returned to my life. Other than the anxiety over whether our baby was healthy and thriving in the womb (and that finally decreased a lot once I got past 28 weeks), I got to spend nine months, plus the last two since her birth, unconcerned over the problems and issues I’ve been dealing with for…it seems forever.

Such unhappy health news so soon after her birth makes me even more aware of what a miracle our daughter is. It is truly amazing that she is alive and healthy. I pray fervently every day that she will not have to go through any of the reproductive problems I’ve experienced.

Of course to have this little girl with us - healthy, beautiful and smiling - I would pay any price. And I guess I am.

The truth is, we live life constantly in the company of joy and pain. I’ve written about that before. The joy of having Grace in our family, of holding her and seeing her little ear mark on my arm, of seeing her smile at me, of watching her grow and show more of her strong personality makes the painful reminders bearable.

She is growing so fast. I love her just the way she is every day. I want her to grow and mature. I love seeing it! Yet I also wonder if this will be the only chance I get to nurse, hold, rock, play with, and sing to a baby of mine. It’s in the back of my head. Even on fussy days when Grace is inconsolable, or refuses to be put down to sleep, I’m aware that this might be the only baby experience I get. I can’t soak it up or appreciate it enough!

 Another painful reminder is that Grace has an older sibling that we never got to meet other than by sonogram. It’s unfortunate timing that Mother’s Day falls in the same week as we discovered this miscarriage two years ago. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to live through the month of May without thinking about it.

I know there’s a big difference this year. This Mother’s Day I can actually hold and see and hear my child. I’m grateful every single day that I’m a mom with a healthy daughter. It is a miracle.

My heart goes out to all those still waiting for their miracle, or those who have lost a child, or who have an estranged child. I’m sure there are some for whom Mother’s Day is only sweet. I’ve been in the shoes of a woman for whom Mother’s Day is totally bitter. I think for many, it is bitter sweet.

 My mom might be one who can celebrate Mother’s Day as only sweet…and she deserves it! Yet she can also empathize with all my contrasting emotions. It means so much to me that she remembers my first child, too. I’m so thankful for all the ways she’s helped me be the mom I am now…and the woman I am before I ever knew I could be a mom.

I meant today.

A conversation that took place a little after 7 a.m. one morning as I’m feeding Grace (important note: last week our house got struck by lightning which messed up and otherwise fried all manner of electrical and battery-operated items in our home):

John: I called the electrician and they’re coming out today.

Me: So, I need to get dressed.

John: Oh, no, they’re booked and are working us into their schedule, so they won’t be here this morning. They probably won’t be here until this afternoon.

Me: So……I need to get dressed.


(I try very hard to be dressed by the time John gets home from work in the evening. I think there has only been maybe one day when this wasn’t accomplished. In all fairness, he really has no idea that many days when he comes home and sees me dressed, I only just got dressed at 5 p.m. )

Do I eat or get dressed?

I remember, maybe when I was in junior high, my mother saying she needed to start sitting down when she ate. I'm sure she read somewhere that standing while you eat is not healthy or something. You know, concentrate just on eating so you recognize what and how much you're eating or something like that. As a child, I wondered why on earth she was always standing up to eat anyway. How hard was it to just sit down for ten minutes?

Now I know. It's not that I don't have time to sit down for ten minutes. Once Grace gets sleepy and I lay her down, she may be content in her crib for ten or fifteen minutes...or, more rarely, an hour...before insisting that she needs to be in my arms. But I feel that if I sit down, she senses it and will awake immediately. So, if I choose to spend those five or ten minutes eating, I will remain standing. It's superstitious I know.

It's probably also ineffective because, really, I think once she senses me doing something essential, like eating or using the bathroom, she'll wake up and start crying for me to pick her up whether I'm standing, sitting or doing handstands.

The other issue I face is how to spend those ten minutes. It could be an hour, but I'd better plan on just ten minutes. Do I get dressed and wash my face, or do I eat? Do I use the bathroom or take my vitamins? I have become pretty adept at getting at least two of those things accomplished in ten minutes.

Speaking of standing while eating, I'm probably also breaking another healthy living ground rule by finishing off an entire meal in a record one and a half minutes. But how else am I also going to get dressed and use the bathroom?

Grace's Birthday

Dear Grace,

The day of your birth was not how I expected or initially wanted it to be. And that’s how I learned that, despite thinking I’d learned this lesson over and over in the past, I so easily revert to trying to control things on my own. I have expectations and fears that rule my actions and emotions, with no consideration of allowing God to be in control. So, in the last weeks of my pregnancy, I practiced letting go of my expectations and trusting the God who created you, and loves both of us so much, to take care of us and work out His perfect plan…not mine.

I really wanted to give birth vaginally and naturally. I prepared physically and mentally to do that. As the weeks ran on, you stayed transverse. I tried essential oil, a chiropractor, yoga positions, shining lights, acupuncture, and manual therapy to get you to move into a head-down position. When, at 37 weeks, my doctor told me we needed to just schedule a c-section in case you didn’t turn, I cried.

You never turned. I pushed out the c-section until it was only 2 days before your 40-week due date. It seems you were quite comfy right where you were. And I needed to learn what I was so afraid of, why I clung to having a false sense of control over you and your birth.

Unlike a natural birth, a c-section would require you to be taken away from me (within sight, in the same room, but nevertheless apart from being with me) while I was being stitched up. My doctor assured me it would be 15 minutes at the most, assuming everything was normal. I finally realized that this initial separation from you, even briefly, was making me feel the same sadness and desperation that I felt when your older sibling was taken away from us permanently. And my idea of a natural birth seemed like the healthiest thing for you in my head. Because of the miscarriage, I subconsciously carried around this sense that I had failed to care for and keep our first child safe; I desperately wanted to do everything in my power to keep you safe and secure.

But that’s not my job. I can’t keep you safe and secure. I can’t guarantee your health or happiness. I have no power over your life…or anyone’s. That is God’s job, and I was taking it from Him, thinking I could do it better. What an important lesson to learn. I hope working through all of that with you in my womb somehow transferred to you. I hope you also learned how much I love you, and how much we need to trust God rather than ourselves.

It was strange to know ahead of time when your birthday would be: March 5. Once in the OR, it took only 10 minutes or so to get prepped with a spinal, then your Daddy came in and within five minutes he was being told to get his camera ready and you were pulled from me and crying. Oh, were you crying! I looked over at the nurse holding you up for me to see and was amazed that all 7 lbs., 3 oz., 20 inches of you had been living inside me for nine months. This is what you looked like!

You are beautiful. So many people all over the world have prayed for you. I cannot imagine another child having more people so excited about them! There are so many people who are absolutely in love with you. None more than me and your Daddy. We are so grateful to have you in our family!

So, we stayed three and a half days in the hospital. We had such a hard time nursing; many tears were shed by both of us. Thankfully, your Grandma helped us figure it all out the day after we got home and there’s been no problems since. Boy, that hospital room was becoming old after a couple days. It was pretty big and all, but the thermostat was so unpredictable, the floors were so dirty by the time we left, and having nurses coming in the room all night was anything but restful. (Though the nurses were all the nicest people you could hope to meet!)

The day we went home was freezing and rainy. Grandpa even said he saw some snow flurries. Oddly, all winter had been mild, and within a week spring had come and gone and we are now clearly experiencing an early summer!

A month later, we are all so much happier and getting settled into having a family of three. Time goes so fast. We try to cherish every moment we have with you!

Happy one-month birthday! Love you!

Mommy

The Three of Us

How could I have known what it would really be like to have a child? The closest I have come to helping with a baby is my nephew…mostly after he came home from the NICU. And then I wasn’t even the one getting up all night to tube-feed him for hours on end. Maybe just by watching my sister, I could tell that taking care of a newborn (or a baby who just spent the first 4 months of his life in the NICU) is exhausting.

I’m also pretty rational. If a baby needs to eat 8-12 times a day, and it takes 30-45 minutes to nurse/burp/change diapers, that pretty much means very little sleep at a time…or at all.

So far, the way life seems at the moment, with an almost four-week-old is pretty close to how I imagined it would be. Except, my love for our little girl is a lot bigger than I imagined. This is definitely helpful when I have to drag myself out of bed at 2 a.m. or 5 a.m. to wake her up to nurse. (We have one of the only babies on the planet, apparently, who probably would sleep through the night right now if I didn’t set my alarm to wake her up to eat like she’s supposed to.)

I have been so thankful that we got almost a full month with family here with us to help out. Meaning, I got to take some naps and get a few other things done when Grace insists on being held rather than sleeping in her bed…or takes an hour after eating to finally burp.

And now it’s just the three of us. It’s easier to find Grace’s schedule and stick to it better with fewer people around. I’ve only had one crying spell, when John was still at work and Grace wouldn’t stop crying for nearly an hour and I was so tired, wishing she’d take a nap so I could, too. I am slightly more exhausted. The next month or two until I can stop waking her up so much at night to eat will be a blur, I’m sure. And then maybe I’ll just get accustomed to living life in a state of exhaustion! (At least, this is what my sister speculates happens. One day, when your child is two, you realize, “Wow. I’m tired all the time but I don’t really notice it anymore. I’m still functioning.”)

I cherish every moment I have with her nursing, or rocking, or sleeping. I know time will go so quickly. Even if the days don’t. Grace is already more alert during her awake times. Last Thursday morning, as she was lying on her play mat, she made some “ah” noises for the first time: happy noises rather than grunting, squeaking or crying. This weekend, with just me and her Daddy around, she’s gotten to spend more time with John…she always stops crying and gets comfortable when her Daddy holds her.

Week Two

I need to change the photo at the top of this blog because spring is here!

A baby girl is also here, which means I don't have time to change anything right now...except diapers.

Grace Elizabeth was born Monday, March 5 at 8:56 a.m. She weighed 7 lbs, 3 oz. and was 20 in. long. She is beautiful, and we love her.

I have come to the realization that I am not superwoman. If you have called or texted me and I have not responded, I apologize. I love all my friends and appreciate all the care they have for us right now. I'm just a new mom. We're trying to figure out nursing, wake times, the balance before Grace gets overstimulated and won't sleep, when I can sleep, and how I can eat enough to nurse her as often as she needs.

Maybe being older or waiting so long for a child puts things in perspective. Even on the long days I can think about how fast time will ultimately pass, stare into her little face and feel tremendously grateful. After all, this may be the only baby, or the only nursing experience, or the only newborn I ever get.

Speaking of being superwoman, when in the world am I supposed to find time to have someone over to take newborn pictures between all the nursing, attempts to control crying, and sleeping?

And I suppose if we do have someone over to take pictures that means I will have to change into something besides pajamas.

Victory

By yesterday at 1 p.m. my hot water heater woes were solved. John opted to only make a couple calls to determine who could install a new water heater cheaper than the company the home warranty people use. He found someone, purchased the hot water heater, and convinced the home warranty company to write us a check for the repair we opted not to do.

While John braved a cold shower yesterday, I opted to hold out for some hot water, so I am now clean, as are all our dishes.

By the end of the afternoon yesterday I felt much had been accomplished. Not only do we now have hot water, but also my OB/GYN agreed to move my c-section (scheduled in case this little girl decides breech is her permanent position of choice) a week later, closer to the 40-week mark. I prefer to allow her to go as full-term as possible, and since I have absolutely no signs of going into labor anytime soon, I feel she's just not quite ready.

I, on the other hand, am getting to the point where I am ready. Especially since I've recently developed some sharp lower back/hip pain when I walk that causes me to hobble around like an old lady. Seriously, I was pretty much bed-ridden by last night. I think I might need a cane. The other symptoms I have (swollen feet, numb fingers) are manageable, just a bit annoying.

Honestly, I'd rather allow our child to come in her timing, healthy and happy, than be done with the discomfort before it's time.

John lamented last night that this pregnancy is lasting forever. I'm not sure if he said that in great anticipation of meeting our daughter or because he's so tired of all my pregnancy ailments. I'll just pretend it's the former.

After yesterday's victories, I'm prepared to not really accomplish anything today except holding this baby so she can finish her prenatal growth.

I don't recall praying for patience.

Tomorrow marks 38 weeks of this pregnancy.

This morning our hot water was only lukewarm for 30 minutes. Then it became just plain cold. John determined the pilot light on the hot water heater was not lit, and it refused to light. Fortunately we sent in a service request with the home warranty company before 7 a.m., so we a place on a service list for today rather than tomorrow or next week.

I have a love/hate relationship with the home warranty company. Great that it's only $60 when something breaks. Awful that they usually take their sweet time figuring out what the real problem is, sometimes returning several times over two or three weeks in failed attempts to fix whatever is wrong.

Fortunately, today's repairman figured out within 45 minutes what was wrong and exactly what the home warranty company would pay for. Even though the water heater is probably on its last legs, the warranty is only going to cover a repair - no replacements for us. But then we have to go through the ordeal of how long it might take to get the right part, what would happen if we get the home warranty to just pay us for the repair so we can instead replace the whole thing, and how long will we be living with no hot water.

There is a significant difference between my priority (get me some hot water ASAP) and John's (you guessed it: the balance between the cheapest and most efficient solution to this problem, with emphasis on cheapest, I mean, most cost-effective).

I was out of pocket all morning, so nothing could be done on the water heater until this afternoon. By now I have been awake since 4:30 this morning. Usually 4 or 4:30 is the magic hour that I awake and can no longer get comfortable and end up tossing and turning until I feel it appropriate to finally get up two hours before the sun.

Recently, I've solved the sleep problem by taking an afternoon nap. Because of the broken hot water heater situation, I did not get a nap today. If this post is completely incoherent, you now know why.

The combination of being awake for so long, being so pregnant, and wrapping my brain around home warranty options while considering how long I can really go without hot water is trying my patience.

I think the last time we had a hot water tank go out, my grandfather died the same week and I had a flat tire that led to purchasing four new tires (or something like that). Our daughter is still breech and I've really had no feelings like I'm nearing labor, but now I'm wondering if the hot water heater is the beginning of a series of unexpected events. Then again, I really don't have the patience or brain power to think about that right now.

In fact, I'm really starting to not even care that we have no hot water. I'd rather sleep right now than be clean or have clean dishes. I guess this works in John's favor. He now has plenty of time to scrutinize the financial aspects of our dilemma. I do, however, suspect that after some sleep I may begin to start caring a little bit more about the lack of hot water.

Where have I left my brain?

As I was mailing off a 30th birthday card to my sister-in-law earlier this week, I remembered my 30th year. Then I prayed fervently that hers would be 500 times more joyful, fun, and happy than my pretty unpleasant one.

So I was going to reminisce on the heartbreak of my 30th year until I just now remembered I'm actually 32, not 31, and so the most horrible year would have been my 31st. How can I not even know how old I am? Possibly because I try hard not to care? Or maybe just because I'm 37 weeks pregnant, my hormones are crazy, and most nights I get very little sleep?

And come to think of it, wouldn't the year after I turned 31 actually be my 32nd year? So, the horrible year would have been my 32nd year, I'm now in my 33rd year, and my upcoming birthday will make me 33 years old.

I don't even know if there's a point in writing anything else in this post. Welcome to the madness in my head!

Reminiscing on the worst year of my life would have been completely unproductive anyway, so apparently even in this lapse of rational thinking my brain is saving me from myself. And all I have to say about the current year is that time is going ever so slowly. John and I were talking last night about how long this pregnancy has seemed. Partly due to the fact we found out almost as soon as one can discover a pregnancy, partly due to all the anxiety and fear as we waited for the first trimester to be over, and partly due to all the major life changes that have ensued since finding out we were pregnant.

My four-year-old nephew has recently started telling my sister that I've had my baby (that's as opposed to telling her I have a baby inside). We think this is a long pregnancy! For him, I suppose this pregnancy is 1/6th of his life! That's like five and a half years for me (if I am indeed about to be 33 and not 32 as I assumed as recently as an hour ago)! John would like to point out that, at this point, our nephew probably doesn't even remember life before I was pregnant with our baby girl.

I still hope my sister-in-law has an exponentially better birthday and year than I had when I turned 30. Perhaps she, too, can have the blessing of not remembering how old she is...or caring! You're only as old as you feel anyway!

Reality Check - Five More Weeks

It took a plastic life-size baby to shock John into the reality that pretty soon we're going to have an actual little person living with us. And we'll be responsible for that person.

Last night at baby care class, I let John practice on the plastic baby: diapering, bathing, swaddling. The entire time I reminded him that our real-life daughter would be crying, screaming, wiggling and/or flailing her appendages around while he tried to accomplish those tasks. Not sure if that helped his confidence at all, but I proceeded to remind him that he's a very smart person capable of learning new things. His experience with babies is almost zero.

(And now, even before our daughter is born, he is already expressing how hard my job as a full-time mom will be. I know I'm blessed to have a husband who understands how much work just being a mom really is!)

Even though I've done plenty of babysitting, been around friends with kiddos, and spent quite a lot of time helping my sister with my nephew, I'm apprehensive as well. I'm not clueless about what babies are like, but I've never had to care for one 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I'm the kind of person that is always trying to prepare for the worst. So while I'm aware of the complete life-change, exhaustion, frustration, possible depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed that our daughter will bring, I'm trying really hard to balance that with the positives. I'm trying hard to be in the mindset that our daughter as a newborn, as an infant, even as a toddler, will be a time period that flies by. I'm just not sure exactly how hard it will be to remain grateful for the little moments and notice precious details once we're in the thick of caring for an infant.

It's difficult to express how grateful we are for this little miracle. Mostly, I think adding a child to our family after so many years of being "just us two" will require a major adjustment period. When I think of the big picture (adding a child, maybe eventually more children, to our family), I'm so grateful and excited. Despite the major adjustment and lack of experience, we can't help but think how fun it's going to be to have more people to share life with as a family.

That baby care class last night also kind of lit a fire under us. I'm at the 35-week mark now. Although I sense that this little girl will go almost full-term, I guess I don't know for sure. Some things, like organizing all the baby shower gifts, washing clothes, purchasing necessities like diapers, setting up the bassinet and installing the car seat, really need to get done! Please let us still have five more weeks to get ready!

Realizing a Burden is Missing

I never intended this blog to be all about infertility or all about pregnancy, but obviously reproductive issues have kind of taken a lot of our time and brain power over the past four years.

The birth of our baby girl is getting close; I'll be at the 32 week mark in just a couple days. We spent all day Saturday in a childbirth class, and probably the most helpful for me was the time we spent after class talking to our instructor in more detail about natural childbirth. It kind of confirmed the way I'm leaning when it comes to a birth plan.

Like a lot of women, I think I'll miss being pregnant to an extent. I'll miss feeling our daughter move around, carrying her with me everywhere, and not having to worry about if she's eating or sleeping enough or if she's sick. On the other hand, this pregnancy has been so very long. I will not miss the constant attempts to cease worrying about a miscarriage or a stillbirth or a premature delivery.

Last week I realized the one thing I will probably miss most when I am no longer pregnant: the sweet relief of not even thinking about my uterine lining, ovulation, menstrual cycles or endometriosis. Anyone who has infertility issues will understand. It's not even something I was consciously aware of being free from until just recently. Now I'm aware of the way that burden has been lifted over the last seven months. It's one more thing for which I am so thankful - even if it's just a 9-month reprieve.

Embracing the Dichotomy

The sleepless nights have started. I feel our daughter growing bigger by the day (for which I am so grateful!), sometimes sticking her head or a knee or an elbow into my ribs. Sometimes she bounces suddenly up and down on my bladder. At night, it's not necessarily her movements that keep me awake; it's the heaviness and the hip or back pain that makes it impossible to get comfortable. Unfortunately all my tossing and turning is waking John up at night, too.

I may need to start getting up and doing things around the house when I can't sleep in the middle of the night. During the day I feel like I get only a fraction of my to-do list accomplished because I'm exhausted. If I can get a few things done during the wakeful times at night, I could take time during the day to snooze in the recliner for little bits of time. I am aware this is only the beginning of waking periods during the night, exhaustion, and accomplishing very little from a to-do list during the day.

What would it be like if I was also running after a 13-month-old? Our first baby is never far from my heart. I'm reminded that God gives us grace to handle situations as we're in them. Maybe we have that grace always, but we don't need it or try to access it unless we're in the midst of the difficult circumstance.

Yesterday a stranger asked me (again) if this will be my first child. I never know a good way to answer that question, and every time it serves to suddenly remind me of the loss of our first baby. As I answer, "Yes," I know I'm lying, yet I don't want to get into an explanation about infertility and miscarriage. I remember a woman at the swimming pool who asked the question in a way I could answer: "Is this your first pregnancy?" That seems an easier question to answer. No. This is my second pregnancy; the first ended in miscarriage. It's so miraculous to now be this far along with a healthy baby on the way.

The woman that asked that question understood; she suffered through multiple miscarriages herself.

I am reminded of a recent conversation with a friend about the reality of life being a dichotomy of joy and suffering. The experiences go hand-in-hand, and both are necessary for growth. So, to look toward this new year expecting the unexpected, bracing for the pain that is certain to come along with the great joy of giving birth for the first time, of adding a daughter to our family, is not pessimistic. It is real, and it is the way toward growth and eventually getting to a place of more contentment and joy than I would have imagined for myself.

I just have to be careful to live in this balance by faith, not fear. I love Ann Voscamp's January 3rd blog post. In part, she says:

~~~
Sometimes you don’t know you’re taking the first step through a door — until you’re already inside.

And no matter what room you step into — every space holds the possibility of this profound joy and deep pain and the two always mingle together. There is no other place to arrive at.

There’s only one address anyone lives at and it’s always a duplex: Joy and pain always co-habit every season of life.

Accept them both and keep company with the joy while the pain does its necessary renovations.
~~~

I pray that we, and you, will learn to "keep company with the joy" this year.

2012: I'm predicting a year of changes like I've never known.

When John told me at the end of October that he wanted to host a Christmas party at our house for his group at work, I was hesitant. We only just moved into the house at the beginning of November. I was planning to be gone for about a week in Seattle, and then we were planning a trip to see my parents for Thanksgiving. That only gave me a few weeks after Thanksgiving to get the house all settled and decorated for Christmas.

I'm glad we went ahead with the Christmas party. I needed that motivation to get stuff put away and Christmas decorations put up. More than anything, I think decorating the house for Christmas is what has helped really make this house feel like home.

So, this weekend of un-decorating is a little depressing. I'm always a little sad to put away the tree, garlands, poinsettias, lights, and nativities. We'd probably keep things around for another week or so if the bulk trash wasn't being picked up tomorrow; our Christmas tree either goes out to the curb now or it's going to have to wait until February to be picked up.

This third trimester is bringing with it some serious tiredness. As I take down Christmas ornaments, and box up other Christmas decor, I can't help but think of how exhausted I'll be getting all this done next year with a 10-month-old. Life is always changing. I wondered for a long time if I would ever be pregnant. Then I wondered if I would ever experience a full-term pregnancy, or ever have children in our family. It seems to be happening now. I cherish this pregnancy I never thought I'd have. I will appreciate having a child, or children, whom I thought might never actually be.

But this is the end of an era. Unlike so many changes that happen in a moment's notice, unexpectedly, I'm having nine months to prepare for this change. I'm aware with each holiday, each date with John, each day I get to take a long nap or sleep late, each errand I run by myself quickly, that these things are all about to change drastically.

2012 will be all about changes as we've never experienced them before. John will be working at his new job all year, we will continue to adjust to life in Oklahoma, and we will add another person to our family. While 2011, with its grief, uncertainty, moving, and cherishing of each day and week in the past six months, seemed a very long year, I have a feeling 2012 is going to be the beginning of time whizzing by.

I'll have to remember to keep cherishing each day and week. Before I know it, we'll be decorating for Christmas once again!