Alone

John whisked Grace away for a walk after she ate breakfast this morning. They haven't returned, and I have now had an hour by myself in the house. Whereas last Sunday I arrived at church looking like I'd just rolled out of bed with no makeup and my hair going everywhere, I actually ironed a shirt, applied some makeup and did my hair today. Amazing what you can do with fifteen minutes sans baby.

I am cautiously optimistic that I can get to church with this same ironed shirt on my body. I'm always one spit-up away from throwing on whatever I can get my hands on just before I have to walk out the door.

I'm still not entirely comfortable leaving Grace with anyone except John. While it's nice to be able to take a nap when relatives are here, or go out for a few hours with my husband, or leave Grace in the nursery at church...I still have a little bit of nagging worry the entire time. In these moments when I get to be alone and John is caring for Grace, I can finally relax and not worry one bit.

Or I can be a little appalled at the state of my soul. When was the last time I thought about who I am or where I am? When did I last sit and listen to my Creator? Physically, I may be looking better than I did last Sunday, but spiritually it's rather like realizing I haven't had a shower in a week...or even looked at myself in the mirror or brushed my teeth or combed my hair.

I finally have a minute to really contemplate what a good friend shared with me last week: I need to figure out how to live in God's presence, doing everything in worship, amidst the day-to-day routine, the crying, and the constant presence of my child.

I need to be OK with not serving and ministering like I used to - outside the home all the time. This is a phase I'm in, and growing up my little girl is important. So is being a wife, a role I have kind of let go of and need to renew.

Quiet time is over now. My family is back home. Maybe I've at least showered and combed my hair. Maybe this is enough to spark in me a desire to find moments in my day to be still and quiet, to connect with the One who makes me clean and alive.