It took a plastic life-size baby to shock John into the reality that pretty soon we're going to have an actual little person living with us. And we'll be responsible for that person.
Last night at baby care class, I let John practice on the plastic baby: diapering, bathing, swaddling. The entire time I reminded him that our real-life daughter would be crying, screaming, wiggling and/or flailing her appendages around while he tried to accomplish those tasks. Not sure if that helped his confidence at all, but I proceeded to remind him that he's a very smart person capable of learning new things. His experience with babies is almost zero.
(And now, even before our daughter is born, he is already expressing how hard my job as a full-time mom will be. I know I'm blessed to have a husband who understands how much work just being a mom really is!)
Even though I've done plenty of babysitting, been around friends with kiddos, and spent quite a lot of time helping my sister with my nephew, I'm apprehensive as well. I'm not clueless about what babies are like, but I've never had to care for one 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I'm the kind of person that is always trying to prepare for the worst. So while I'm aware of the complete life-change, exhaustion, frustration, possible depression, and feelings of being overwhelmed that our daughter will bring, I'm trying really hard to balance that with the positives. I'm trying hard to be in the mindset that our daughter as a newborn, as an infant, even as a toddler, will be a time period that flies by. I'm just not sure exactly how hard it will be to remain grateful for the little moments and notice precious details once we're in the thick of caring for an infant.
It's difficult to express how grateful we are for this little miracle. Mostly, I think adding a child to our family after so many years of being "just us two" will require a major adjustment period. When I think of the big picture (adding a child, maybe eventually more children, to our family), I'm so grateful and excited. Despite the major adjustment and lack of experience, we can't help but think how fun it's going to be to have more people to share life with as a family.
That baby care class last night also kind of lit a fire under us. I'm at the 35-week mark now. Although I sense that this little girl will go almost full-term, I guess I don't know for sure. Some things, like organizing all the baby shower gifts, washing clothes, purchasing necessities like diapers, setting up the bassinet and installing the car seat, really need to get done! Please let us still have five more weeks to get ready!
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Monday, January 09, 2012
Realizing a Burden is Missing
I never intended this blog to be all about infertility or all about pregnancy, but obviously reproductive issues have kind of taken a lot of our time and brain power over the past four years.
The birth of our baby girl is getting close; I'll be at the 32 week mark in just a couple days. We spent all day Saturday in a childbirth class, and probably the most helpful for me was the time we spent after class talking to our instructor in more detail about natural childbirth. It kind of confirmed the way I'm leaning when it comes to a birth plan.
Like a lot of women, I think I'll miss being pregnant to an extent. I'll miss feeling our daughter move around, carrying her with me everywhere, and not having to worry about if she's eating or sleeping enough or if she's sick. On the other hand, this pregnancy has been so very long. I will not miss the constant attempts to cease worrying about a miscarriage or a stillbirth or a premature delivery.
Last week I realized the one thing I will probably miss most when I am no longer pregnant: the sweet relief of not even thinking about my uterine lining, ovulation, menstrual cycles or endometriosis. Anyone who has infertility issues will understand. It's not even something I was consciously aware of being free from until just recently. Now I'm aware of the way that burden has been lifted over the last seven months. It's one more thing for which I am so thankful - even if it's just a 9-month reprieve.
The birth of our baby girl is getting close; I'll be at the 32 week mark in just a couple days. We spent all day Saturday in a childbirth class, and probably the most helpful for me was the time we spent after class talking to our instructor in more detail about natural childbirth. It kind of confirmed the way I'm leaning when it comes to a birth plan.
Like a lot of women, I think I'll miss being pregnant to an extent. I'll miss feeling our daughter move around, carrying her with me everywhere, and not having to worry about if she's eating or sleeping enough or if she's sick. On the other hand, this pregnancy has been so very long. I will not miss the constant attempts to cease worrying about a miscarriage or a stillbirth or a premature delivery.
Last week I realized the one thing I will probably miss most when I am no longer pregnant: the sweet relief of not even thinking about my uterine lining, ovulation, menstrual cycles or endometriosis. Anyone who has infertility issues will understand. It's not even something I was consciously aware of being free from until just recently. Now I'm aware of the way that burden has been lifted over the last seven months. It's one more thing for which I am so thankful - even if it's just a 9-month reprieve.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Embracing the Dichotomy
The sleepless nights have started. I feel our daughter growing bigger by the day (for which I am so grateful!), sometimes sticking her head or a knee or an elbow into my ribs. Sometimes she bounces suddenly up and down on my bladder. At night, it's not necessarily her movements that keep me awake; it's the heaviness and the hip or back pain that makes it impossible to get comfortable. Unfortunately all my tossing and turning is waking John up at night, too.
I may need to start getting up and doing things around the house when I can't sleep in the middle of the night. During the day I feel like I get only a fraction of my to-do list accomplished because I'm exhausted. If I can get a few things done during the wakeful times at night, I could take time during the day to snooze in the recliner for little bits of time. I am aware this is only the beginning of waking periods during the night, exhaustion, and accomplishing very little from a to-do list during the day.
What would it be like if I was also running after a 13-month-old? Our first baby is never far from my heart. I'm reminded that God gives us grace to handle situations as we're in them. Maybe we have that grace always, but we don't need it or try to access it unless we're in the midst of the difficult circumstance.
Yesterday a stranger asked me (again) if this will be my first child. I never know a good way to answer that question, and every time it serves to suddenly remind me of the loss of our first baby. As I answer, "Yes," I know I'm lying, yet I don't want to get into an explanation about infertility and miscarriage. I remember a woman at the swimming pool who asked the question in a way I could answer: "Is this your first pregnancy?" That seems an easier question to answer. No. This is my second pregnancy; the first ended in miscarriage. It's so miraculous to now be this far along with a healthy baby on the way.
The woman that asked that question understood; she suffered through multiple miscarriages herself.
I am reminded of a recent conversation with a friend about the reality of life being a dichotomy of joy and suffering. The experiences go hand-in-hand, and both are necessary for growth. So, to look toward this new year expecting the unexpected, bracing for the pain that is certain to come along with the great joy of giving birth for the first time, of adding a daughter to our family, is not pessimistic. It is real, and it is the way toward growth and eventually getting to a place of more contentment and joy than I would have imagined for myself.
I just have to be careful to live in this balance by faith, not fear. I love Ann Voscamp's January 3rd blog post. In part, she says:
~~~
Sometimes you don’t know you’re taking the first step through a door — until you’re already inside.
And no matter what room you step into — every space holds the possibility of this profound joy and deep pain and the two always mingle together. There is no other place to arrive at.
There’s only one address anyone lives at and it’s always a duplex: Joy and pain always co-habit every season of life.
Accept them both and keep company with the joy while the pain does its necessary renovations.
~~~
I pray that we, and you, will learn to "keep company with the joy" this year.
I may need to start getting up and doing things around the house when I can't sleep in the middle of the night. During the day I feel like I get only a fraction of my to-do list accomplished because I'm exhausted. If I can get a few things done during the wakeful times at night, I could take time during the day to snooze in the recliner for little bits of time. I am aware this is only the beginning of waking periods during the night, exhaustion, and accomplishing very little from a to-do list during the day.
What would it be like if I was also running after a 13-month-old? Our first baby is never far from my heart. I'm reminded that God gives us grace to handle situations as we're in them. Maybe we have that grace always, but we don't need it or try to access it unless we're in the midst of the difficult circumstance.
Yesterday a stranger asked me (again) if this will be my first child. I never know a good way to answer that question, and every time it serves to suddenly remind me of the loss of our first baby. As I answer, "Yes," I know I'm lying, yet I don't want to get into an explanation about infertility and miscarriage. I remember a woman at the swimming pool who asked the question in a way I could answer: "Is this your first pregnancy?" That seems an easier question to answer. No. This is my second pregnancy; the first ended in miscarriage. It's so miraculous to now be this far along with a healthy baby on the way.
The woman that asked that question understood; she suffered through multiple miscarriages herself.
I am reminded of a recent conversation with a friend about the reality of life being a dichotomy of joy and suffering. The experiences go hand-in-hand, and both are necessary for growth. So, to look toward this new year expecting the unexpected, bracing for the pain that is certain to come along with the great joy of giving birth for the first time, of adding a daughter to our family, is not pessimistic. It is real, and it is the way toward growth and eventually getting to a place of more contentment and joy than I would have imagined for myself.
I just have to be careful to live in this balance by faith, not fear. I love Ann Voscamp's January 3rd blog post. In part, she says:
~~~
Sometimes you don’t know you’re taking the first step through a door — until you’re already inside.
And no matter what room you step into — every space holds the possibility of this profound joy and deep pain and the two always mingle together. There is no other place to arrive at.
There’s only one address anyone lives at and it’s always a duplex: Joy and pain always co-habit every season of life.
Accept them both and keep company with the joy while the pain does its necessary renovations.
~~~
I pray that we, and you, will learn to "keep company with the joy" this year.
Sunday, January 01, 2012
2012: I'm predicting a year of changes like I've never known.
When John told me at the end of October that he wanted to host a Christmas party at our house for his group at work, I was hesitant. We only just moved into the house at the beginning of November. I was planning to be gone for about a week in Seattle, and then we were planning a trip to see my parents for Thanksgiving. That only gave me a few weeks after Thanksgiving to get the house all settled and decorated for Christmas.
I'm glad we went ahead with the Christmas party. I needed that motivation to get stuff put away and Christmas decorations put up. More than anything, I think decorating the house for Christmas is what has helped really make this house feel like home.
So, this weekend of un-decorating is a little depressing. I'm always a little sad to put away the tree, garlands, poinsettias, lights, and nativities. We'd probably keep things around for another week or so if the bulk trash wasn't being picked up tomorrow; our Christmas tree either goes out to the curb now or it's going to have to wait until February to be picked up.
This third trimester is bringing with it some serious tiredness. As I take down Christmas ornaments, and box up other Christmas decor, I can't help but think of how exhausted I'll be getting all this done next year with a 10-month-old. Life is always changing. I wondered for a long time if I would ever be pregnant. Then I wondered if I would ever experience a full-term pregnancy, or ever have children in our family. It seems to be happening now. I cherish this pregnancy I never thought I'd have. I will appreciate having a child, or children, whom I thought might never actually be.
But this is the end of an era. Unlike so many changes that happen in a moment's notice, unexpectedly, I'm having nine months to prepare for this change. I'm aware with each holiday, each date with John, each day I get to take a long nap or sleep late, each errand I run by myself quickly, that these things are all about to change drastically.
2012 will be all about changes as we've never experienced them before. John will be working at his new job all year, we will continue to adjust to life in Oklahoma, and we will add another person to our family. While 2011, with its grief, uncertainty, moving, and cherishing of each day and week in the past six months, seemed a very long year, I have a feeling 2012 is going to be the beginning of time whizzing by.
I'll have to remember to keep cherishing each day and week. Before I know it, we'll be decorating for Christmas once again!
I'm glad we went ahead with the Christmas party. I needed that motivation to get stuff put away and Christmas decorations put up. More than anything, I think decorating the house for Christmas is what has helped really make this house feel like home.
So, this weekend of un-decorating is a little depressing. I'm always a little sad to put away the tree, garlands, poinsettias, lights, and nativities. We'd probably keep things around for another week or so if the bulk trash wasn't being picked up tomorrow; our Christmas tree either goes out to the curb now or it's going to have to wait until February to be picked up.
This third trimester is bringing with it some serious tiredness. As I take down Christmas ornaments, and box up other Christmas decor, I can't help but think of how exhausted I'll be getting all this done next year with a 10-month-old. Life is always changing. I wondered for a long time if I would ever be pregnant. Then I wondered if I would ever experience a full-term pregnancy, or ever have children in our family. It seems to be happening now. I cherish this pregnancy I never thought I'd have. I will appreciate having a child, or children, whom I thought might never actually be.
But this is the end of an era. Unlike so many changes that happen in a moment's notice, unexpectedly, I'm having nine months to prepare for this change. I'm aware with each holiday, each date with John, each day I get to take a long nap or sleep late, each errand I run by myself quickly, that these things are all about to change drastically.
2012 will be all about changes as we've never experienced them before. John will be working at his new job all year, we will continue to adjust to life in Oklahoma, and we will add another person to our family. While 2011, with its grief, uncertainty, moving, and cherishing of each day and week in the past six months, seemed a very long year, I have a feeling 2012 is going to be the beginning of time whizzing by.
I'll have to remember to keep cherishing each day and week. Before I know it, we'll be decorating for Christmas once again!
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
A not-so-exciting review of the last three weeks
Obviously nothing terribly exciting has happened around here since the trip to Seattle. At least, nothing that has compelled me to sit down and write a blog post.
(And, no. It has not snowed here yet, but I decided a snowy picture should top the blog page since it's December and I stubbornly insist that snow and Christmas go together even though I'm not sure I have ever lived in a place where that is the reality. The new picture at the top of the blog was actually taken last year sometime in February, but I'm certain there are plenty of places in the country that are seeing snow right now.)
Our Thanksgiving with my parents was wonderful. We cooked, ate, watched some football, played games, watched movies, slept late and generally enjoyed what will be our last adult-only, completely relaxing Thanksgiving for probably the next 15 years. I appreciated the time, although I am also quite content thinking about future holidays with our child (or children).
The time since we've returned has been a blur.
After working about two hours a day, or every other day, for about a week, the guys that were putting up our Christmas lights finally completed the work just before Thanksgiving. The lights on the house are very festive, if I do say so myself.
We ventured to a nearby home improvement store with 20% coupon in hand to purchase a Christmas tree, which we (and by "we" I mean John) then strapped to the top of the Accord. I witnessed only one passerby actually laughing at our 9-foot tree atop the car, but we made it home. (John speculates that the man had probably never considered the flexibility and functionality of an Accord before. It is serving us well!)
Over the next week we slowly got lights put on the tree and the ornaments hung. I take it as a good sign that our tree still seems to be guzzling water, though it also seems to be dropping needles abundantly. I'll just pretend that's because the home improvement stores in Oklahoma apparently do not provide "tree-shaker" services upon purchase of a Christmas tree. I doubt that manually trying to shake loose needles out of the tree on our back porch with the assistance of a ladder was very productive. Really, the tree just needs to last through the week because this weekend brings a Christmas party to our house as well as a visit from a dear friend from overseas and some family members.
In the blur of the past two and a half weeks we have managed to buy (mostly) all our Christmas gifts and get them wrapped. I have one box to mail, but if anyone's been to the post office lately you'll forgive me for putting that particular errand off until the last possible minute.
This post takes the cake for the most boring post on the blog ever! I do apologize.
Before I end your misery let me just update you on the pregnancy. Today is 28 weeks. We're in the third trimester and I constantly think about how soon our daughter will be born and all life will change forever. In a good way, of course. I measured a tiny bit smaller than "normal" at my last visit a couple weeks ago, but the doctor assures me he's not worried. Otherwise, all is fine. We are so content and definitely appreciative of all the blessings God gives us. Even in the blur of activity, I've been surprised at how much I'm enjoying this Christmas season!
This post is so boring I can't even think up a good ending, but why even try to be creative at this point? I hope everyone who still reads this blog is having a joyful December!
(And, no. It has not snowed here yet, but I decided a snowy picture should top the blog page since it's December and I stubbornly insist that snow and Christmas go together even though I'm not sure I have ever lived in a place where that is the reality. The new picture at the top of the blog was actually taken last year sometime in February, but I'm certain there are plenty of places in the country that are seeing snow right now.)
Our Thanksgiving with my parents was wonderful. We cooked, ate, watched some football, played games, watched movies, slept late and generally enjoyed what will be our last adult-only, completely relaxing Thanksgiving for probably the next 15 years. I appreciated the time, although I am also quite content thinking about future holidays with our child (or children).
The time since we've returned has been a blur.
After working about two hours a day, or every other day, for about a week, the guys that were putting up our Christmas lights finally completed the work just before Thanksgiving. The lights on the house are very festive, if I do say so myself.
We ventured to a nearby home improvement store with 20% coupon in hand to purchase a Christmas tree, which we (and by "we" I mean John) then strapped to the top of the Accord. I witnessed only one passerby actually laughing at our 9-foot tree atop the car, but we made it home. (John speculates that the man had probably never considered the flexibility and functionality of an Accord before. It is serving us well!)
Over the next week we slowly got lights put on the tree and the ornaments hung. I take it as a good sign that our tree still seems to be guzzling water, though it also seems to be dropping needles abundantly. I'll just pretend that's because the home improvement stores in Oklahoma apparently do not provide "tree-shaker" services upon purchase of a Christmas tree. I doubt that manually trying to shake loose needles out of the tree on our back porch with the assistance of a ladder was very productive. Really, the tree just needs to last through the week because this weekend brings a Christmas party to our house as well as a visit from a dear friend from overseas and some family members.
In the blur of the past two and a half weeks we have managed to buy (mostly) all our Christmas gifts and get them wrapped. I have one box to mail, but if anyone's been to the post office lately you'll forgive me for putting that particular errand off until the last possible minute.
This post takes the cake for the most boring post on the blog ever! I do apologize.
Before I end your misery let me just update you on the pregnancy. Today is 28 weeks. We're in the third trimester and I constantly think about how soon our daughter will be born and all life will change forever. In a good way, of course. I measured a tiny bit smaller than "normal" at my last visit a couple weeks ago, but the doctor assures me he's not worried. Otherwise, all is fine. We are so content and definitely appreciative of all the blessings God gives us. Even in the blur of activity, I've been surprised at how much I'm enjoying this Christmas season!
This post is so boring I can't even think up a good ending, but why even try to be creative at this point? I hope everyone who still reads this blog is having a joyful December!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Your first flowers
Dear Baby Girl,
We left Daddy for a week to travel to Seattle, and he missed us so much. Unfortunately, Tuesday night when we came back home I had a little bit of a meltdown. I'd like to blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but I think I was also over-reacting a bit to the way the house looks after moving in, all that still needs to be done, and having company over in three days. Aack.
Your daddy surprised me by coming home for lunch Wednesday with this bouquet of roses. He said he thought you and I would like them. Pink roses for his girls.
I just want to document your first flowers from Daddy. He loves you so much, and that's just part of the reason I love him so much.
We left Daddy for a week to travel to Seattle, and he missed us so much. Unfortunately, Tuesday night when we came back home I had a little bit of a meltdown. I'd like to blame it on the pregnancy hormones, but I think I was also over-reacting a bit to the way the house looks after moving in, all that still needs to be done, and having company over in three days. Aack.
Your daddy surprised me by coming home for lunch Wednesday with this bouquet of roses. He said he thought you and I would like them. Pink roses for his girls.
I just want to document your first flowers from Daddy. He loves you so much, and that's just part of the reason I love him so much.
A Vacation!
So, it's been a while since I've written. My parents came up to Oklahoma for two weeks to help get things done around the house before we moved our stuff in. My dad worked nonstop for the entire two weeks: painting, wood floor installation, propping up a sagging counter, installing gas valves, fixing GFCI outlets, and the list goes on and on! My mom spent a lot of time cleaning, painting, and helping me install shelf liner. Then when our stuff got here, my mom and John's mom spent the week unpacking and helping me put things away. Whew. Our house would still be a disaster if not for our family!
At one point during the move-in I took a little trip to the hospital because of some abdominal pain and pressure. I have to say, two hours in a quiet, dark hospital room with no moving issues to deal with (once I knew nothing was wrong with the baby) was a nice break! I wasn't dilated, wasn't having any regular contractions, didn't have any kind of infection, and was just a bit dehydrated. Easily fixed.
Once our family left, John and I enjoyed two days by ourselves in the new house before I headed out to Seattle to visit some friends for a week. What a glorious break!
Of course, I had to have some Beecher's mac and cheese:
We had one clear, sunny day while I was in town, and the view from the Columbia Tower was awesome!
That beautiful clear day (also happened to be the birthday of the friend I was visiting!) ended with a gorgeous sunset.
Mostly I just enjoyed being away from home, visiting with a good friend, spending time with her sweet girls, and seeing the brilliant autumn colors that a place with trees offers!
I'm not going to lie; it's been a hard adjustment coming back here to Oklahoma. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out to live here. This house is bigger, the city is smaller, things are spread out across a flat plain. Something about it is not cozy. I realize that the adjustment to a new place takes a while. I'm sure as I meet more people and make friends it will help. And there's always the let-down of coming back after a vacation...back to real life.
However, I'm so grateful I got to take that break. Before I know it we'll be off again to visit my family and I'm sure the hustle and bustle of the holiday season will take up plenty of space in my mind and time.
At one point during the move-in I took a little trip to the hospital because of some abdominal pain and pressure. I have to say, two hours in a quiet, dark hospital room with no moving issues to deal with (once I knew nothing was wrong with the baby) was a nice break! I wasn't dilated, wasn't having any regular contractions, didn't have any kind of infection, and was just a bit dehydrated. Easily fixed.
Once our family left, John and I enjoyed two days by ourselves in the new house before I headed out to Seattle to visit some friends for a week. What a glorious break!
Of course, I had to have some Beecher's mac and cheese:
We had one clear, sunny day while I was in town, and the view from the Columbia Tower was awesome!
That beautiful clear day (also happened to be the birthday of the friend I was visiting!) ended with a gorgeous sunset.
Mostly I just enjoyed being away from home, visiting with a good friend, spending time with her sweet girls, and seeing the brilliant autumn colors that a place with trees offers!
I'm not going to lie; it's been a hard adjustment coming back here to Oklahoma. Sometimes I wonder if I'm cut out to live here. This house is bigger, the city is smaller, things are spread out across a flat plain. Something about it is not cozy. I realize that the adjustment to a new place takes a while. I'm sure as I meet more people and make friends it will help. And there's always the let-down of coming back after a vacation...back to real life.
However, I'm so grateful I got to take that break. Before I know it we'll be off again to visit my family and I'm sure the hustle and bustle of the holiday season will take up plenty of space in my mind and time.
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