So, Grace is one! (2 weeks ago!)

Recently two friends have given birth to their first children. Looking at their pictures stirs up conflicting emotions.

A.   I look at Grace and realize how big she’s gotten in the past year. All the growing happens so stealthily; living life with her means I barely notice as she fills out and gets taller.

B.   I feel sad that my little baby is no longer a little baby. She’s a little toddler (sort of…as soon as she decides to take the time to practice walking a bit more). I remember those first months where I didn’t think I could stare at her beautiful face too much or hold her in my arms long enough or love her more than I do. Heck. I guess I still feel that way!

C.   I feel relief that those first 3-6 months of endless nursing, pumping, and getting up in the night are over. (OK. We were blessed to have a baby who did her nights early on, but she had a hard time nursing and gaining weight so that was our big struggle.) And honestly, the relief could extend all the way through being done with the first 10 months since Grace took no more than two 20 minute naps a day between 5 and 10 months.

D.   So then, I feel empathy for those new moms who are living in the never-ending timeless days that stretch on and on. “Is it daytime or nighttime?” “Can I possibly be more tired than I am right now?” “Done nursing. We have to start again in a mere hour and a half.” “I hear crying in my head…all the time!”

E.   I also feel so happy for these new moms and the overflowing joy they are surely experiencing! It is hard to contain or express all the love!

F.    I hope sincerely that these new moms do not take their child for granted. Grace was our miracle after a long road of infertility and miscarriage, but truly every child is a miracle.

G.   I still remember how much looking at these new baby pictures a couple years ago would have been impossible for me to do without feeling some anger and grief – and definitely shedding some tears.

Part of the sadness I feel now looking at these pictures is the uncertainty I have that I will ever get to be pregnant and give birth again. I’ve said it before, but infertility and miscarriage can be described like being an amputee. Just as an amputee is so grateful to have his other limbs and his life, I am beyond thankful to have Grace with us. But the amputee has every right to still feel grief over the loss of a limb. I still grieve over the loss of our first child, and if I cannot have more biological children as we want, I will grieve that as well. It does not lessen my love or thankfulness for the daughter God has given us.

Now that I am a mom, I realize how much time moms spend talking to one another about their kids and discussing various parenting dilemmas. Before I even ever got pregnant I was tired of other people’s advice (which included everything I should try to get pregnant, why I should adopt, which doctors to go to, and on and on). Wisdom is understanding what works for you and that everyone is different. Wisdom is not forcing your opinion on anyone else or criticizing someone else’s parenting method (short of abuse and neglect, of course). Thankfully I’ve only had a few people vehemently tell me I am going about things the wrong way and their way is the ONLY way. I never want to do that to someone else.

Those of us who have children after infertility struggle with feeling a little bit guilty when we have complaints about our children. After all, our children are miraculous gifts for which we waited a long time, endured pain and trials, and spent a bunch of money; we should be nothing but grateful, right? I try to remind myself that the problems and complaints of being a mom are just another facet of parenting that I have the privilege of experiencing when I didn’t think it would ever happen.

On the other hand, I’m trying to just keep my mouth shut when I’m with others when it comes to the complaining. I’d much rather keep track of the joys my daughter brings me and share those things with others. I’m still real and honest, but no one likes to hang out with a complainer…no matter what the subject matter.

This past year has been so slow and super fast. Grace is a fun person and a truly happy little girl. It warms my heart to see John with her and know that Grace will grow up knowing without a doubt how much her dad loves her and thinks she is beautiful and special. I love Grace’s smile and her laugh. Even after a year, it still breaks my heart when she cries (although I know perfectly well it’s unavoidable and sometimes good for her). We still don’t know what color her eyes are, but they are gorgeous. We have so much fun as a family of three and look forward to things getting better and better every day!