Grace's Birthday

Dear Grace,

The day of your birth was not how I expected or initially wanted it to be. And that’s how I learned that, despite thinking I’d learned this lesson over and over in the past, I so easily revert to trying to control things on my own. I have expectations and fears that rule my actions and emotions, with no consideration of allowing God to be in control. So, in the last weeks of my pregnancy, I practiced letting go of my expectations and trusting the God who created you, and loves both of us so much, to take care of us and work out His perfect plan…not mine.

I really wanted to give birth vaginally and naturally. I prepared physically and mentally to do that. As the weeks ran on, you stayed transverse. I tried essential oil, a chiropractor, yoga positions, shining lights, acupuncture, and manual therapy to get you to move into a head-down position. When, at 37 weeks, my doctor told me we needed to just schedule a c-section in case you didn’t turn, I cried.

You never turned. I pushed out the c-section until it was only 2 days before your 40-week due date. It seems you were quite comfy right where you were. And I needed to learn what I was so afraid of, why I clung to having a false sense of control over you and your birth.

Unlike a natural birth, a c-section would require you to be taken away from me (within sight, in the same room, but nevertheless apart from being with me) while I was being stitched up. My doctor assured me it would be 15 minutes at the most, assuming everything was normal. I finally realized that this initial separation from you, even briefly, was making me feel the same sadness and desperation that I felt when your older sibling was taken away from us permanently. And my idea of a natural birth seemed like the healthiest thing for you in my head. Because of the miscarriage, I subconsciously carried around this sense that I had failed to care for and keep our first child safe; I desperately wanted to do everything in my power to keep you safe and secure.

But that’s not my job. I can’t keep you safe and secure. I can’t guarantee your health or happiness. I have no power over your life…or anyone’s. That is God’s job, and I was taking it from Him, thinking I could do it better. What an important lesson to learn. I hope working through all of that with you in my womb somehow transferred to you. I hope you also learned how much I love you, and how much we need to trust God rather than ourselves.

It was strange to know ahead of time when your birthday would be: March 5. Once in the OR, it took only 10 minutes or so to get prepped with a spinal, then your Daddy came in and within five minutes he was being told to get his camera ready and you were pulled from me and crying. Oh, were you crying! I looked over at the nurse holding you up for me to see and was amazed that all 7 lbs., 3 oz., 20 inches of you had been living inside me for nine months. This is what you looked like!

You are beautiful. So many people all over the world have prayed for you. I cannot imagine another child having more people so excited about them! There are so many people who are absolutely in love with you. None more than me and your Daddy. We are so grateful to have you in our family!

So, we stayed three and a half days in the hospital. We had such a hard time nursing; many tears were shed by both of us. Thankfully, your Grandma helped us figure it all out the day after we got home and there’s been no problems since. Boy, that hospital room was becoming old after a couple days. It was pretty big and all, but the thermostat was so unpredictable, the floors were so dirty by the time we left, and having nurses coming in the room all night was anything but restful. (Though the nurses were all the nicest people you could hope to meet!)

The day we went home was freezing and rainy. Grandpa even said he saw some snow flurries. Oddly, all winter had been mild, and within a week spring had come and gone and we are now clearly experiencing an early summer!

A month later, we are all so much happier and getting settled into having a family of three. Time goes so fast. We try to cherish every moment we have with you!

Happy one-month birthday! Love you!

Mommy