Friday, May 28, 2010

31

My husband is turning 31 today. In honor of his birthday, I present 31 reasons I love living life with him.

I love doing life with John because...

1. he takes out the trash.
2. he mows the lawn like a pro.
3. when we think about owning chickens, I immediately worry about where they will live and how to keep them in the yard; he just thinks, "cool!".
4. his eyes sparkle when he looks at me.
5. he loves children.
6. he gives generously.
7. he is humorous.
8. he almost naturally gets a lot of stuff for free.
9. he is an expert negotiator (no, not the hostage type).
10. he likes to travel as much as I do.
11. he'll give up almost anything to take care of me when I need him to.
12. he can reach the tall stuff in our house.
13. he puts his dirty laundry in the dirty clothes basket.
14. he stays calm when I freak out.
15. he forces me to be more social than I normally would.
16. he's a pretty great uncle.
17. he financially supports us so I can do ministry (aka - not get paid much).
18. he's always ready for an adventure.
19. he runs to the window when there are sirens or commotion.
20. relationships are important to him.
21. he does things spur-of-the-moment.
22. he's a fabulous piano-player (or pianist...whatever).
23. he's the expert at loading the dishwasher.
24. he is more patient than I will ever be.
25. he has more gray hairs than me (sorry, had to tell the truth!).
26. he has a facebook account and I do not, so I can keep up with all the goings-on without really expending the time and effort facebook would inevitably require of me.
27. he's a better plumber than the one we used to hire.
28. he can learn to do anything.
29. he maintains a positive attitude...at least his positive attitude lasts about 37 times longer than mine does.
30. he is a forgiving person.
31. he is appreciative.

Happy Birthday, John!!!

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Back to Reality

I have talked to so many people in the last couple weeks about what we're going through with the miscarriage and the ensuing complications. I forgot that I haven't written an update here. Oops.

I had a second D&C last Friday. All the tissue that could be removed surgically was removed. The bad news is there is still some tissue really embedded in some scar tissue or something. I seriously remember seeing my doctor for approximately five seconds after the surgery (which is five seconds more than I have ever remembered from right after previous surgeries). I remember she said, "You did great!" and something about lab work maybe. Then I must have conked out again.

All that to say, I'm getting most of my information from my husband. Who is fantastic, by the way. But sometimes can't remember all the details.

I may need to take a different kind of medication in a couple weeks to see if the remaining tissue leaves, and I go get my hormone levels checked tomorrow. I have not called my doctor yet to ask about any of this. After the last two weeks I seriously just want to not think about doctors or surgical procedures for a little while. I figure if I don't hear from her this week, I'll try to call the office.

I declare this to be the most boring post I've ever written. I do apologize.

I guess I could make it more inane by describing to you all the cold with which I am currently suffering.

Don't worry. I won't go there.

Life is slowly getting back to routine. I started back to work this week. I've been out in the garden battling cucumber beetles (which, it turns out, are pretty difficult to get rid of organically). So far, every single thing in the garden is being eaten, but I just keep fertilizing, spraying garlic juice and adding nematodes. There was actually a discussion of chickens last weekend - as in, they eat cucumber beetles - but I will need a whole separate post to adequately describe that conversation. Stay tuned!

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

In Memory of our First Baby

I realize that many people, even those who have suffered miscarriage, will not understand the grief we're feeling right now. Before our baby died, we saw our child on two separate occasions with sonograms. Our baby already had fingers and toes and a unique nose. Our child was already a boy or a girl. He or she looked like John and me - probably more like one or the other of us. We heard our baby's good, strong heartbeat.

I know the pain and grief is multiplied many, many times for those parents who lose children that they've known for longer, kids that they've actually gotten to touch and hold. Yet, our grief is still naturally very deep and real.

So, we are honoring the memory of our baby with a donation to Compassion International's Child Survival Program. We have great medical care, the stability of jobs and financial support, and a strong, loving marriage. Our baby still died, and no one could have done anything differently. There are, however, millions of moms whose babies and young children die from things that can be easily prevented. That's where Compassion's Child Survival Program steps in.

So many moms around the world find themselves suddenly without their partner, far from adequate medical care, and lacking the knowledge to take good care of themselves and their babies. The Child Survival Program provides moms with prenatal care, health care, parenting skills training and spiritual nurturing, while giving the youngest children, including those yet to be born, the supplements, care, and opportunities needed to become healthy, thriving girls and boys.

We hope our gift will prevent some other moms from having to unnecessarily feel the grief we are going through right now. We always want some good to come from each situation in our life, and we believe it is important to do something in memory of those we lose. It is just one step in easing the pain of grief, ever so slightly.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Aching Heart

Unfortunately, there have been some complications after my D&C on Friday. I will be fine; the hardest part is having things kind of drag on. Physically, I feel OK - emotionally I feel like I'm a wreck sometimes.

In light of the fact that I have to return to the doctor Tuesday, and there is a slight possibility I may need to go into surgery again later this week, John has decided to stay home with me. He has been planning to go with a group of Baylor accounting students on a mission trip to Uganda for the next two weeks. I think I'm especially emotional today because it breaks my heart that our two kids (Ronnie and Martha, the ones we sponsor with Compassion International) think John is coming to see them but he won't be able to be there.

(And yes, I know they'll understand, and they'll be happy to have some other Baylor students visit them and give them our gifts, and we can go visit them another year. It's just that a visit from a sponsor really makes their year. And I might already be a little emotional right now. Have I mentioned I'm a bit emotional?)

So, while I'm grateful to have my husband here with me while we hopefully get some closure this week, I'm sad that he can't make the trip to Uganda. He's helped plan this trip and was excited to visit Ronnie and Martha.

I'm hoping the group of students who are going will keep us updated through the BU Mission: Uganda website. Their trip promises to be busy and so rewarding. Please follow along with them on this adventure and keep them in your prayers!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

When the Darkness Closes In

As heavy as my heart was on Mother's Day for so many of my friends, I myself was actually pretty happy and excited on Mother's Day. Miraculously and very unexpectedly, we discovered I was pregnant on April 17 - the last day of our trip in San Francisco! After three years, over a year of infertility treatments, thousands of dollars, millions of prayers, and some acupuncture we were pregnant! We were kind of in shock.

At our first doctor's appointment two weeks ago, we learned I was already 9 weeks along. A strong heartbeat and good measurements reassured us that things were going just the way they should. My doctor wanted to see me again in a week and a half because my uterus is a little abnormally shaped and she just wanted to check on things again.

We anticipated sharing our great news with the whole world after that doctor's appointment, which was Tuesday. But I knew as soon as the sono picture came up on the screen that our baby was not OK. I saw no movement, less growth than I expected, no yolk sac, and no heartbeat. I waited a few seconds as she moved the probe around, searching for a heartbeat that never showed up.

Almost immediately, I looked over at John, who is not accustomed to seeing sono pictures all the time, like I am (because of my work). It broke my heart to see him so excited and smiling, waiting to see the heartbeat and hear how great it all looked. Very soon the tears replaced the excitement. I kind of wish I did not have such a vivid picture of that sonogram in my mind, although there is now no doubt for me that our child is no longer alive.

I've had no physical signs of miscarriage, so I go tomorrow for a D&C. Has it been three weeks since this last Tuesday? Sure seems like it. There are more tears in me than I ever knew. The grief, fear, anxiety, and sadness are robbing me of sleep and making time stand still.

One thing I am not robbed of is my trust in the Lord. Why? He is the only One who is unchanging and constant no matter what the circumstance. He is the only One with a perfect plan and the ability to help us through this. Yesterday on my way to acupuncture the first song I heard on the radio happened to be "Blessed be the name of the Lord." I had a friend who, while she was dying of cancer, used to love to hear this song. Now I know why. We need to be reminded of our Hope, because hope in the right thing does not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name


I am also more grateful than words can express that I can go through life with my husband. I could not be married to a more supportive, caring, loving man.

Saturday, May 08, 2010

A thought on tomorrow

I love my mom. (Even though she's in Disney World right now, and I'm not.)

My mom is not overly emotional, but I know when she's happy or sad, and I know that she always loves and cares about me. One of the most important things to me about my mom is that she prays for me, and John, and my sister and her family every day...all the time. And prayer is powerful.

Tomorrow we celebrate a holiday made up by marketers who like to sell greeting cards, flowers, candy, and $85 per person buffet brunches. And although I absolutely love having another occasion to let my mom know how much I appreciate her, I also am fully aware of what a difficult day this is for so many women.

Those of us who struggle with infertility, or who have suffered miscarriage are reminded of the children we do not have here with us. Moms who have lost children at a young age or whose children are deployed with the military in dangerous situations are reminded of their grief and sadness because those who call them "Mom" are not around to celebrate Mother's Day. Children who have recently lost their mom are reminded once again of their pain and loss.

I wish we lived in a world where the value and reality of a six-week pregnancy was viewed the same as a 30-week pregnancy...or a two-month-old...or a two-year-old. How often have I acknowledged that women around me who have only known miscarriage are also moms? They just never got to meet their kids.

I don't mean to take the joy out of celebrating moms. After all, every one of us has one...or had one. But just as every hour of the day there are deaths mourned as well as births celebrated, I think it's important to be sensitive to those who find it a little harder than most to put on a smile for Mother's Day.

I have to think that my own mom was a pretty good teacher when it came to being sensitive to other people, empathizing, and refraining from judgment. Going through infertility has also opened up my perspective a little wider. And though I wouldn't wish it on anyone, I am grateful for all the things God is teaching me through disappointment and waiting and hurting.

So, to all those who have children here on earth or in heaven, to all those who miss their children on Mother's Day, to all those who have a mother's heart, to all those whose motherhood journey is longer and harder than you imagined it would be...Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 07, 2010

Just Wishing

If it weren't for the HORRIBLE allergies this season, I would very possibly be outside every free minute of my day. The sun, the blue skies, all the bright green, the warmth (but not TOO warm), and the breezes are too perfect!

If it weren't for the sneezing, the itchy eyes, and the stupid unrelenting congestion, I would eat breakfast and dinner on the back patio, find excuses to be in the garden in my free time, or lounge on the patio furniture with a book or a friend...and some iced tea. I would seriously love some iced tea right now.

As it is, I spent the entire morning outside yesterday only to suffer with a sinus headache the rest of the day and sneezing all day today. Although, honestly, it probably will not keep me from spending more time outside this weekend. I can't help myself!

And it's not like I'm really that discontent with life right now, but it sure seems like some things have come up with week that make me want what I can't have.

For instance, on my way in to the grocery store a few days ago, I swear it smelled like funnel cake, which made me think of the State Fair of Texas. My mouth was watering for some funnel cake and a Fletcher's Corny Dog (yes, it's capitalized). I don't eat hot dogs as a general rule, but I have to have a Fletcher's Corny Dog at the State Fair.

Come to think of it, we don't spend money much at the State Fair, as a general rule...other than the entrance ticket and parking...so I'm not sure I've ever gotten funnel cake at the State Fair. But funnel cake smells like the State Fair, and I do sometimes have a hankering for some funnel cake.

Alas, I just looked it up and the State Fair of Texas doesn't start until September 24 (through October 17), if you're interested. That's a long way away.

If I (or you) really wanted to, The Pioneer Woman happened to post a recipe for actual funnel cake on her cooking blog earlier in the week. No kidding! (I just wish I could buy it at the fair instead of going to all the trouble and making my house smell like fried stuff...which I won't do in all reality.)

Also, as of yesterday, my parents happen to be in Disney World. I'm jealous. Wouldn't this be perfect weather? Won't the crowds be great right now? Have I mentioned I'm obsessed with Disney World - love it! Even more than the State Fair of Texas. (I know there's not a comparison really, and I can't even say why I like going to the State Fair so much other than: nice weather, lots of great people-watching, free food in the Food & Fiber pavilion several times a day, seeing farm animals up close, a giant butter sculpture, strange and unique crafts, and a great miniature train set-up...and the Corny Dogs. See? Not exactly Disney World, but I still love it!)

Anyway, I can't be too jealous of my parents because it was at this exact same time of year only 3 years ago that they took us and my sister and brother-in-law on a fun family trip to Disney World. I remember perfectly it was Mother's Day while we were there because we ate at the Hollywood Brown Derby for lunch (yum!) and my fabulous sister was pregnant with my sweet nephew. And even though she was a bit sick during the trip, we still had so much fun together. We'll just have to do it again when my nephew is a little older and will remember the fun times!

By the way, instead of funnel cake, I'm thinking of making this stuffed french toast for breakfast tomorrow. Because it definitely looks healthier than funnel cake. I mean, it has fruit along with the fried bread and powdered sugar! And I got stuffed french toast one time on our last trip to Disney World, so it's like the best of both worlds: Disney World and fried tastiness to remind me of the State Fair.

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

On the Bright Side...

I do believe the snake has been found...dead.

I think when John mowed the lawn last weekend, he must have mowed over the snake because a couple days ago I spotted the tail end of a snake in the grass. Of course, I screamed for John to get a shovel or a hoe or something to kill it. (I knew from previous experience that a lack of movement does not necessarily indicate absence of life.) Turns out the thing was already dead and not quite whole.

In other news, I wound up spending my morning at Discount Tire because apparently I ran over a screw. A flat tire is one of those things that just really ruins any plans you have for the day. If you think about it, at the time you notice you have a flat tire you are on your way, or getting ready to go, somewhere. And usually it's somewhere important or an appointment you already have scheduled.

Even though my plans for the day had to get completely rearranged, I actually had two pleasant experiences.

1. The $4 per year we pay for towing/auto rescue with our car insurance sure comes in handy. Thankfully, I was just driving down our street when I noticed the thumping of a flat tire. I pulled over, aired up the tire, and drove back to our own driveway...where the tire was again almost completely flat. Seriously, within 10 minutes the auto rescue guy was at the house to put a spare tire on the car. So, for $4 it took less time and WAY less effort on my part to get my car moving again...so I could head to Discount Tire.

2. Our Discount Tire is really one of the best around. And Wednesday morning is the perfect time to take a car in...I think there was only one person waiting there when I arrived. Even though they have to order a tire for me, it'll be in tomorrow and in the mean time they found a used tire to put on my car so I don't have to drive around on a doughnut until the new tire comes in! Plus, I got to read some of the library book I've renewed about three times already because I just run out of time for reading!

OK. One more positive occurrence to share...

3. Even though I was sitting in a Discount Tire instead of getting acupuncture this morning, I was able to reschedule with my doctor to go in this afternoon. Aaaaahhhhh. I'm feeling much better.

So, now that I've taken my turn having my schedule rearranged (thankfully this happened on my day off from work!), I think it'll be John's turn when it comes time to take the car back for the new tire installation. That's fair, right?