When the Darkness Closes In

As heavy as my heart was on Mother's Day for so many of my friends, I myself was actually pretty happy and excited on Mother's Day. Miraculously and very unexpectedly, we discovered I was pregnant on April 17 - the last day of our trip in San Francisco! After three years, over a year of infertility treatments, thousands of dollars, millions of prayers, and some acupuncture we were pregnant! We were kind of in shock.

At our first doctor's appointment two weeks ago, we learned I was already 9 weeks along. A strong heartbeat and good measurements reassured us that things were going just the way they should. My doctor wanted to see me again in a week and a half because my uterus is a little abnormally shaped and she just wanted to check on things again.

We anticipated sharing our great news with the whole world after that doctor's appointment, which was Tuesday. But I knew as soon as the sono picture came up on the screen that our baby was not OK. I saw no movement, less growth than I expected, no yolk sac, and no heartbeat. I waited a few seconds as she moved the probe around, searching for a heartbeat that never showed up.

Almost immediately, I looked over at John, who is not accustomed to seeing sono pictures all the time, like I am (because of my work). It broke my heart to see him so excited and smiling, waiting to see the heartbeat and hear how great it all looked. Very soon the tears replaced the excitement. I kind of wish I did not have such a vivid picture of that sonogram in my mind, although there is now no doubt for me that our child is no longer alive.

I've had no physical signs of miscarriage, so I go tomorrow for a D&C. Has it been three weeks since this last Tuesday? Sure seems like it. There are more tears in me than I ever knew. The grief, fear, anxiety, and sadness are robbing me of sleep and making time stand still.

One thing I am not robbed of is my trust in the Lord. Why? He is the only One who is unchanging and constant no matter what the circumstance. He is the only One with a perfect plan and the ability to help us through this. Yesterday on my way to acupuncture the first song I heard on the radio happened to be "Blessed be the name of the Lord." I had a friend who, while she was dying of cancer, used to love to hear this song. Now I know why. We need to be reminded of our Hope, because hope in the right thing does not disappoint (Romans 5:5).

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, blessed be Your name

I am also more grateful than words can express that I can go through life with my husband. I could not be married to a more supportive, caring, loving man.