Welcome to my trains of thought.

Bananas always seem like a good idea at the store, but then it all seems like a waste of money later in the week as they're languishing in the fruit bowl on the counter. All the bananas reach the perfect stage of ripeness at the same time and then begin to get too ripe the next day. Who's going to eat a whole bunch of bananas in one day?

I bought some Magnum bars yesterday at Target because they remind me of Amsterdam. This makes me think of Albert Heijn brand kaneel roomijs (cinnamon ice cream); now that really reminds me of the Netherlands!

Grace basically sat all by herself in her baby bathtub last night during bathtime. This morning she was extremely interested in herself in the mirror for the first time. She kept putting her head right up to the mirror and smiling.

Now that we're composting as well as recycling pretty much everything, we really hardly have any regular trash.

I was proud of our low trash content until I began thinking about all the water we use doing laundry. What with the cloth diapers and spit-up all over everything forcing multiple changes of clothing in one day (not to mention the mountainous piles of burp cloths we go through), we do at least two or three loads of laundry a day it seems.

We may spend a fortune on water, but we bought enough laundry detergent on Amazon to last us the next two years, and buying in bulk is really pretty cheap. I recommend Charlie's Soap Powder if you want a hypoallergenic, natural laundry soap. We bought it to use for cloth diapers and now use it for all our laundry. (This is not a paid advertisement. Charlie's Soap doesn't even know who I am.)

I wonder if I have time to whip up a batch of cinnamon roll dough while Grace is sleeping? (Yes, sleeping! Yesterday she took two long naps with relatively little crying involved and has now been sleeping for almost an hour.)

I'd better go do that right now!

What it took to get groceries this morning

1. Late morning feeding after a (miraculous) hour-long nap.
2. Finally get both of us dressed for the day
3. Carry Grace around in an upright position for a few minutes to get her to burp
4. Gather grocery list and diaper bag and place Grace in her car seat
5. Realize her diaper must have leaked because her skirt is all wet
6. Take Grace out of the car seat and back to her changing table to remedy the leaky diaper and change her skirt to a pair of shorts (Somehow the shorts still match the shirt she's wearing.)
7. While buckling her into the car seat (again), Grace spits up massively all over the car seat and her shirt.
8. Remove her from her car seat and back to the changing table for a change of shirt
9. Look at clock and realize she probably should have a nap in 45 minutes or so
10. Contemplate not even getting groceries today. We can eat bread, eggs, carrots and water for a couple meals, right?
11. Power through, get Grace back in her car seat (for the third time) and hope we can just get back home in time for a quick 30-minute nap (That doesn't happen, by the way. She sleeps for 10 minutes on the way home from the store and then refuses to sleep any more once we get home.)
12. Wonder how on earth moms with more than one kid ever get anywhere

Alone

John whisked Grace away for a walk after she ate breakfast this morning. They haven't returned, and I have now had an hour by myself in the house. Whereas last Sunday I arrived at church looking like I'd just rolled out of bed with no makeup and my hair going everywhere, I actually ironed a shirt, applied some makeup and did my hair today. Amazing what you can do with fifteen minutes sans baby.

I am cautiously optimistic that I can get to church with this same ironed shirt on my body. I'm always one spit-up away from throwing on whatever I can get my hands on just before I have to walk out the door.

I'm still not entirely comfortable leaving Grace with anyone except John. While it's nice to be able to take a nap when relatives are here, or go out for a few hours with my husband, or leave Grace in the nursery at church...I still have a little bit of nagging worry the entire time. In these moments when I get to be alone and John is caring for Grace, I can finally relax and not worry one bit.

Or I can be a little appalled at the state of my soul. When was the last time I thought about who I am or where I am? When did I last sit and listen to my Creator? Physically, I may be looking better than I did last Sunday, but spiritually it's rather like realizing I haven't had a shower in a week...or even looked at myself in the mirror or brushed my teeth or combed my hair.

I finally have a minute to really contemplate what a good friend shared with me last week: I need to figure out how to live in God's presence, doing everything in worship, amidst the day-to-day routine, the crying, and the constant presence of my child.

I need to be OK with not serving and ministering like I used to - outside the home all the time. This is a phase I'm in, and growing up my little girl is important. So is being a wife, a role I have kind of let go of and need to renew.

Quiet time is over now. My family is back home. Maybe I've at least showered and combed my hair. Maybe this is enough to spark in me a desire to find moments in my day to be still and quiet, to connect with the One who makes me clean and alive.

I hear crying in my head.

Two weeks ago I wrote that I have more free time now that Grace is getting formula for half her feedings. Apparently that doesn't translate into regular posting on the blog!

The newest event in Grace's life over the last two weeks is "eating" vegetables. Actually, she's started doing pretty well at swallowing the food rather than just spitting it out everywhere, though I still imagine she's only ingesting about half a tablespoon when she eats.

First there were carrots:

On one hand, it looks like she hates them, but on the other hand, she keeps grabbing for the spoon and leaning forward for more bites. The nasty face has since disappeared, so I think it was the texture that was a turn-off while the taste was new and yummy. She must be getting accustomed to the texture of pureed veggies now.

This week we started peas:

I don't know if she likes peas more than carrots or has just gained some skill in eating, but the peas do not seem to end up everywhere like the carrots.

We took our first trip to the zoo where Grace pretty much noticed ceiling fans and fences, but as you can see from the picture she was happy about it!

(I'm sure she saw the chimps who were right up at the window playing with the little boy standing next to us. That might be the extent of her animal viewing this trip.) The OKC zoo is pretty great; I think there are many more trips in our future. It was a fun morning spent with a friend and her two kiddos.

My parents came for a visit, and Grace discovered Grandpa's beard.

The photo is blurry, but her reaction to the beard on her face was hilarious!

Daddy picked some sunflowers for Grace:

She loves them. And she wants to eat them. She pretty much wants to eat everything.

If I could sum up the last couple days, I would show you a picture of Grace lying in her crib crying. However, I do not wish to remember this period of time so have not documented the torture we're all going through. I am trying to a.) get Grace to nap for longer than 20-30-minutes at a time, b.) wean her from being rocked to sleep, and c.) teach her to calm herself down and get to sleep on her own. The girl needs to nap! Being crabby and tired all day is not an option. There are differing opinions on the appropriate ways to do this, but I am using a method that a couple people have told me works within a few days.

So far, for most naps (including the one she is supposed to be taking right this minute), I get to listen to Grace make various noises and squeals for up to half an hour before she decides to start crying. I then go through intervals of listening to her cry and then attempting to calm her down until it's about time for her to eat again! Thankfully yesterday and today she has gotten one nice hour and a half or two hour nap, so I'm taking that as progress.

Unfortunately, the other two naps in the day consist mostly of a lot of crying and fussing with very little actual sleep. This makes for a most unpleasant evening. Last night I handed her off to John because I just couldn't bear the crying and fussing any more. Even when it's quiet, I imagine her crying in my head.

Hopefully, all this torture will end in a child who gets adequate sleep during the day and is able to be put down for a nap (or sleep at night) by anyone, including a babysitter because we need to start utilizing one of those for the sake of our marriage.

And....cue the crying. This will pass. I just need to keep telling myself that!

I used to be a writer.

So, I was just searching for a post I wrote about San Antonio, and in the process of finding it I stumbled upon a couple posts whose titles intrigued me. I can't remember what I had to eat for lunch, so I definitely can't remember anything I wrote on this blog two years ago...or more.

Turns out I used to be a pretty good writer. It makes me wonder how I can find more time to write now with an infant. Is that possible? However, even if I found the time it might turn out that my brain doesn't work quite the same as it used to. Or maybe I've lost sight of the humor in life now that I spend my days smelling like spit-up and wondering why on earth my five-month-old won't take a nap for longer than 30 minutes.

Somehow I doubt anyone else will think it's hilarious that my daughter will make high-pitched utterances for, literally, 15 minutes while trying to calm herself down to go to sleep and then suddenly conk out.

It's quite possible no one else will care that I still look at her face, her fingers, her little toes, her round knees, her beautiful dimples, and her eyes with their greys, blues, and browns and find it incredible that she's actually here. Our daughter is finally here, living with us, healthy, perfect.

Probably no one needs to read about a mother who can't adequately express how much she loves her daughter.

So, my material might need a little work.

But I should probably start off with finding some time. The moments are so rushed when Grace is sleeping and I'm not. (That has to do with the whole not sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time during the day.)

On that note, I must rush off to take a shower, get the dishes done, fold some laundry, make sure there's a clean bottle in the house, brush my teeth.....before it's time for her to wake up and eat again!

Has it really been three months?

This blog is becoming more and more sporadic! I have notes jotted down in various locations to try and remember everything our little princess is doing. I'm a bit sad that she's already five months old, despite very conscious attempts to cherish every moment.

So, on June 16 (according to a note I found), Grace rolled over purposefully for the first time. She was looking at me folding laundry, standing behind where she was laying on the floor. She waited until John came in to see what she was doing before she finally rolled over from her back to her tummy! Needless to say, she now does this constantly. She still has not really mastered rolling the other direction, although she does every once in a while. Once the rolling over became a regular occurrence (probably mid-July), we started leaving one of her arms out of her swaddle when she sleeps. This way she can sleep on her tummy and have more control over moving around and getting her head in an appropriate position to breathe.

Toward the middle of July, Grace started laughing. She'll laugh when tickled or if I make a funny face, but she just doesn't laugh all the time. I'm hoping she'll start to do more laughing rather than being an overly serious child. She sure does smile a lot, though!

About two days after her four-month check-up, Grace started doing push-ups. She's in better shape than I am! Just yesterday she began pushing up with her arms and putting one knee under her, so I can now imagine her crawling in a few months. This should be a sign that we need to start baby-proofing, but honestly we'll probably just procrastinate on that one until she actually breaks something we care about or nearly injures herself on some object we generally consider innocuous.

Unfortunately, Grace was underweight at her four-month checkup. She only gained a bit over a pound in two months, but she grew to 24 inches. Ever since that appointment on July 5, eating has been the focus of my life: me eating more, Grace nursing enough and latching correctly, pumping, pumping, and more pumping to try to increase supply. My quality of life has taken a nosedive. Seems it was all for naught since we returned to the doctor at five months only to find all that work only added a few more ounces to our daughter's little body. From the way she acts you'd never know she was underweight. She seems perfectly healthy, but I realize she probably should gain more than a few ounces in a month...or a pound in two months. I guess my breast milk is the equivalent of water from a calorie standpoint. I don't even understand how this is possible.

On the bright side, I've cut down the nursing and pumping, so I feel I have more free time. Since Grace takes a bottle half the time, if anyone else is around, they can feed her while I get in what feels like extra hours of non-feeding related activity. Hopefully one day she can weigh enough that I don't have to feed her every three hours and wake her up at 10:30 p.m. to feed her once again before she sleeps through the night.

At five months, because of the calorie/weight issues, I started giving her rice cereal once a day. I highly doubt this will actually add any calories to her diet since I'm guessing she may ingest only a couple teaspoons of the stuff. The majority of it gets spit or drooled out all over her bib, arms, hands, legs, and me. She's still getting the hang of swallowing without sucking. I add a tiny bit of cinnamon to the cereal since she seems to like it better that way. Next week we'll try some real vegetable puree.

At the end of July, Grace took her first trip to Estes Park. It was the perfect week to leave Oklahoma as the temperatures soared into the 110's for the first time all summer. The cool air in Estes Park was perfection. Grace loved hiking (aka: sleeping in her ergo baby carrier). She had a little cold while we were there, so it was nice to have some extra hands around to help with the parenting duties. This vacation also included Grace's first airplane ride. She loved it: being held the entire time and getting to see so many people smiling at her. Granted, the flight was only an hour and a half, so I'm not sure we're ready to head off to Australia or anything yet.

Two days after we got home, our power went out...for two days. It was in the 100's those days. We moved out, quickly and in the dark, that first night and stayed with a friend. I became horribly ill the day we moved back home. Is there such a thing as a 24-hour flu? If so, I had it.

And this will have to do for now. Time to feed our little munchkin again! Maybe the next post will be some photos.