Sufficient

We did our final IUI procedure a couple weeks ago. Today we got the results. Negative.

It's odd to feel so disappointed, angry and sad on one hand and so relieved on the other hand...even excited. I know I don't need to explain the disappointed, angry, sad part of the emotions. But the relieved, excited part is strange...and honestly, right now it is a smaller part of what I'm feeling.

I'm relieved that I never have to go to that doctor's office again. Relieved I don't have to sit in a waiting room hearing couples talk about their "other kids" or endure sitting in a room with a toddler in stroller or see twins being shown around to the office staff after a(n obviously) successfully IVF. Relieved that I'm removing myself from this situation that apparently makes me judgmental and mean-spirited.

I'm relieved that I can stop pumping myself full of hormones, injecting myself nightly, and putting my husband through the stress of giving me shots in the behind. (Although, I have to brag he does a great job...better than most of the times the nurses give me shots.)

I'm relieved that the STRESS of the infertility treatments is over.

I'm excited that I don't know what is going to happen next. And I'm not even going to imagine what it could be because I haven't a clue. I know it's in this place of being hurt and grieving, letting go of dreams, that God provides "a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." (Isaiah 61:3)

I have so many friends and family members who love me so much. And I am blessed with real reminders of that in times like this when I get emails, phone calls, and hugs. So, in a way, it's appropriate that this is all happening in time for Thanksgiving. I think God is reminding me of the big picture and all the many blessings He has given us for which I need to give thanks.

And, as my boss reminded me today, (again, I am blessed to be working in the place I do with these fabulous people) one of my biggest blessings is God's sufficiency in all things.

Interestingly enough, someone else wrote a blog post today about these very emotions and thoughts. "I've Got You" is a song in the making by Shaun Groves.

I think I like it.