Breaking the Silence

I looked at this blog today and almost started crying. I didn't write a single post in the entire month of March.

Is my life that boring? Or that busy with mundane things that I've given up writing? Am I incapable of writing anymore? Do I compare myself too much to other people who are traveling or having babies or cooking gourmet food all the time or writing entire books?

Or maybe I'm just highly emotional lately. Because, really? Shedding a tear over my lack of literary commitment?

My birthday and our anniversary week marked the one-year anniversary from when I found out I was miraculously pregnant last year. So, I promptly (and rather unexpectedly) spent my entire birthday crying uncontrollably.

And now we're coming up to the one-year anniversary of my miscarriage, so cue the grief again.

And on top of everything I'm not feeling well...again...although in the past couple days I've seen some improvement in the pain department. Then again, I also contracted a nasty cold a couple days ago that I swear came on in about 5 minutes.

As you can see, I have been an absolute joy to be around.

Sometimes I feel like I'm leaving wreckage behind me right and left as I say and do things that are not really me but are just brought about by all the physical and emotional pain that's plaguing me. It doesn't help that my face doesn't hide my feelings. Try as I might I cannot say any sweet words convincingly when I am really frustrated, incredulous or uncaring.

I do believe I use up every ounce of genuine care, concern and non-judgmental attitude at work. Sad, but true.

I try to remedy this entire situation in what is probably an equally unhealthy way - just don't talk to anyone unless I have to. So, if you haven't heard from me in a while it's only because I'm sparing you. And if you have been in my presence in the last month or so and are still my friend (or family...guess there's no way around that), God bless you. And thank you.

So, we didn't go anywhere or do anything too exciting in the past month. Life at work has been busy and full of crises and desperate situations. We are leading a small group at our church for us misfits whose work/travel schedules will not allow any group meetings during the weekdays, and we love it! My garden is growing. John's been in town the last several weeks, so we have been learning what it's like to eat dinner together, see friends in the evenings, sit and talk and watch TV - just normal life with the both of us.

It's at times like these in my life that I am grateful for God's grace. He never leaves me or gives up on me when I am less than pleasant to be around. As much as it hurts to see the ugliness in myself, I know that because of the gift of forgiveness and redemption, I can change and grow, and the valley I'm in will not last forever.