The Remains of the Day:

 

I can honestly say never in my life have I seen half of a cardinal upended in my yard as if it was a sacrificial marking.

Or an artistically violent warning to other creatures.

Mice? Rats? Opossums? Are you listening?

(OK, not really on the opossums. I'm pretty sure a cat wouldn't kill an opossum. Why is that word spelled that way??? And is it really "an" in front of the word instead of "a"?)

Empty Arms

In the past, infertility has tainted my view of Mother's Day. I became less than enthusiastic about attending a church service where all the mothers were congratulated, prayed for, and even given flowers while those of us unable to have children were left out.

I became more mindful of all the mothers whose child, or children, are not here on this earth with them.

This year I am not only in the category of "infertile" (maybe rather "subfertile"), but I am also in the category of the women whose children are in heaven. My sentiments about Mother's Day haven't changed so much since the blog post I wrote last Mother's Day, except that the pain of losing a child is extremely close to my heart. Just days after writing last year's post I went to my 11-week OB appointment and had to endure a sonogram of my child, unmoving, no heartbeat.

Please say a prayer this week for all of us who carry the hurt of losing children or not being able to give birth to a child. I imagine children whose mothers have died are having an equally painful time this week, though I can't say I understand that pain personally. Please remember them, too.

And to put some positive action to our good thoughts and prayers, may I suggest a way to help mothers with little or no resources prevent the deaths of their own young children? Compassion International's Child Survival Program helps moms provide proper nutrition and medical care for their babies before and after birth. Many of these children would die of preventable diseases without the help of the Child Survival Program. Please consider reaching out to these mothers this Mother's Day.

Uganda

John is finally going on the Baylor Accounting Department mission trip to Uganda this year! After suggesting this discipline-specific mission trip and coordinating a partnership between Baylor's accounting department and Compassion International in 2008, he's going to actually participate in this third trip.

About 20 professors and students are signed up for this mission trip to work with Ugandan university students, pastors, small businesses, an orphanage, and Compassion projects in the span of about ten days. They'll be offering ethics, business and accounting training all through a Christian worldview. If you're interested in meeting the students who are going or want to keep up with the trip, you can follow their blog: Baylor Accounting Mission Trip 2011.

Unfortunately, if you've read the news you know that unrest has popped up in Uganda, specifically in Kampala. High food and fuel prices led some to start peaceful protests. In an effort to squelch protests, President Museveni is now using what the UN describes as "excessive force" against Ugandans. Eight people have been killed and more than 250 injured since protests began a few weeks ago.

Please pray that the violence will end and the riots be resolved peaceably. We do not want to have to cancel the trip, so we need things in Uganda to be safe again. John and I also sponsor two children in Uganda. Fortunately neither are anywhere near Kampala since they both live in rural areas, but we're also praying that they will stay safe and healthy. Of course, you can also pray for all the churches and Compassion staff and children in the midst of this crisis.

I know God works miracles, and we are definitely praying for one right now!

Breaking the Silence

I looked at this blog today and almost started crying. I didn't write a single post in the entire month of March.

Is my life that boring? Or that busy with mundane things that I've given up writing? Am I incapable of writing anymore? Do I compare myself too much to other people who are traveling or having babies or cooking gourmet food all the time or writing entire books?

Or maybe I'm just highly emotional lately. Because, really? Shedding a tear over my lack of literary commitment?

My birthday and our anniversary week marked the one-year anniversary from when I found out I was miraculously pregnant last year. So, I promptly (and rather unexpectedly) spent my entire birthday crying uncontrollably.

And now we're coming up to the one-year anniversary of my miscarriage, so cue the grief again.

And on top of everything I'm not feeling well...again...although in the past couple days I've seen some improvement in the pain department. Then again, I also contracted a nasty cold a couple days ago that I swear came on in about 5 minutes.

As you can see, I have been an absolute joy to be around.

Sometimes I feel like I'm leaving wreckage behind me right and left as I say and do things that are not really me but are just brought about by all the physical and emotional pain that's plaguing me. It doesn't help that my face doesn't hide my feelings. Try as I might I cannot say any sweet words convincingly when I am really frustrated, incredulous or uncaring.

I do believe I use up every ounce of genuine care, concern and non-judgmental attitude at work. Sad, but true.

I try to remedy this entire situation in what is probably an equally unhealthy way - just don't talk to anyone unless I have to. So, if you haven't heard from me in a while it's only because I'm sparing you. And if you have been in my presence in the last month or so and are still my friend (or family...guess there's no way around that), God bless you. And thank you.

So, we didn't go anywhere or do anything too exciting in the past month. Life at work has been busy and full of crises and desperate situations. We are leading a small group at our church for us misfits whose work/travel schedules will not allow any group meetings during the weekdays, and we love it! My garden is growing. John's been in town the last several weeks, so we have been learning what it's like to eat dinner together, see friends in the evenings, sit and talk and watch TV - just normal life with the both of us.

It's at times like these in my life that I am grateful for God's grace. He never leaves me or gives up on me when I am less than pleasant to be around. As much as it hurts to see the ugliness in myself, I know that because of the gift of forgiveness and redemption, I can change and grow, and the valley I'm in will not last forever.

Excavation

Confession: I can't quit eating the girl scout cookies. I should have taken them to work and forced them upon our volunteers, but, lo, they are sitting on my kitchen counter (though apparently not for very long).

It is a gorgeous day. The 50 mile-per-hour winds of yesterday are gone, as is every single cloud in the sky. It is not too cold or too hot. Even our grass is finally starting to look green. (I'll pretend that's grass and not just a ton of weeds.)

The city water utilities and electric service people are obviously also taking advantage of the beautiful weather. While out and about this morning I saw no less than five electric services vehicles in various locations. The city water utilities showed up in our very own yard this morning about 8:00.


There was an excavator! There was fence disassembly (blogger says that's not a word; I say different)! There was a five-foot-deep hole! It was excitement!

The dirt is now replaced, the fence in its original condition, and our crepe myrtle probably a little worse for the wear. (Oh, and I suppose they made whatever "fix" was necessary to our water main. Though I didn't even know there was a problem since water has been coming out of our faucets at all the appropriate times.) So, all in all, I'd say the city water people made efficient use of their time today.

And since there was already a gigantic hole being dug up in our yard, but mostly because the weather was perfect, I hauled our new mini-tiller out of the shed and went to work on the garden.*


*The actual garden enlargement, addition of 800 pounds of manure/peat/humus/soil, and 98% of all tilling was accomplished by my capable and strong husband. I tilled for 10 minutes mostly for the fun of it. Though, as it turns out, it's not really all that fun, and you sweat a lot. Who knew? The mini-tiller is so cute.

It's hard to tell in the picture, but small tomato and pepper transplants now reside in our garden. They are joined by zucchini, bush bean, watermelon, marigold, mystery flower, alyssum, and basil seeds.

I need to get some parsley and yellow squash seeds and the garden will be complete. I may need to grab another packet of watermelon seeds, too. The package instructs planting 4-6 seeds 3 inches apart in rows 5-7 feet apart. I have room for two small rows. Upon opening the seed packet, I discovered 12 watermelon seeds. 12!!! I think they need to advertise that fact on the packaging.

Because I know you're hanging on every word of this gardening post, let me tell you how delighted I am that the alyssum seeds I planted a few days ago are actually sprouting!


Now, I probably won't have any flowers until it's about time for the heat of summer to kill them all off anyway, but I will keep you updated on that.

I know you can't wait!

Something about being in the sunshine, digging in dirt and planting is good for the soul. This is the time of year when I love my garden...before it's so hot I break a sweat just dragging the hose across the patio to water and the insects are waging a war with me and my organic defenses. In heaven, there will be no insects waging war and no temperatures above 90 degrees - I can't wait!

Here's to a long spring of comfortable temperatures!

Tiny Violins

Has it really been two weeks since I posted anything? I feel sad that this blog is turning into a once a month post. And I don't even have any kids or pets or a 60-hour-a-week job with tons of travel to make good excuses.

In all honesty, I've been battling physical pain for the past two months, and let me just tell you that I have new understanding of how near impossible it would be to offer counseling to someone battling chronic pain. Or why they might readily turn to pain medication. Or the way chronic pain can consume your thoughts and rob you of sleep and make life miserable.

So, I just haven't felt like writing, and besides working and making the house run I haven't been able to put thoughts together on anything other than the way I've been feeling, and I know no one wants to read about that.

(Even updating you all right now I'm imagining the world's tiniest violin playing the world's saddest song. Woe is me!)

But...BUT...I feel I'm on the path to healing even though the doctors haven't figured out what's wrong yet...and may never. Once again, God has used acupuncture to heal me. It's been two weeks of a new treatment that makes me feel normal again. Don't ever take feeling normal for granted. I had a slight setback for one day, but now it's back to normal again thanks to my doctor's prayers, lots of other people's prayers, and divinely-guided acupuncture.

I don't enjoy feeling physically tormented, but it's hard to realize this little thing bothers me so much when other people I know are dealing with brain tumors, fatal diseases, a tsunami that destroyed entire towns, and nuclear radiation that will affect generations of people.

And then I'm thankful that I can breathe, see, hear, and am not facing imminent death.

I don't know if it's the lingering doubt that I'll actually be cured and feel better all the time, or the exhaustion that lack of sleep and this ridiculous Daylight Saving Time bring, or perhaps being spoiled by a fabulous trip to Hawaii...but we should be making plans for an anniversary trip and I'm feeling less than enthusiastic.

I mean, it will have to be a short trip, and it needs to be within driving distance, and it needs to involve a Hilton hotel because that's where we can stay for free. Unfortunately, we live in Dallas and no destination within driving distance seems exotic or remotely like paradise.

Paradise. I've been there. It's called Hawaii.

So, if anybody has fun ideas just let me know!

The Greatness of Family

I am so blessed to still have a grandma. One who gets around well, is still very much herself, and can fly to visit my parents, which then makes it possible for the three of them to drive to come visit us!



We had fun enjoying some beautiful weather, eating, watching movies and musicals, eating, talking, and eating! I'm looking forward to seeing the three of them again in July.

I'm also looking forward to seeing another part of my family in about a week. My sister and nephew are going to come visit us for some of D's spring break! It's been too long! Since Christmas. Now that D's in school, it's harder for them to make the trip up here, and my work schedule has been kind of a nuisance lately when it comes to having free weekends to go see them.

Thank goodness for Skype! Best invention ever!

Over on the Pioneer Woman photography blog, there's a project currently going on with photo submissions under the theme "Sisters". It makes me miss my sister! I'm so glad I get to see her again soon.

And I also feel sorry for women who don't have sisters. (I know, I know. There are some women even with sisters who don't have the bond, so maybe I feel sorry for them, too.) There's just something unique and special about the bond between sisters that I can't adequately describe.

Hopefully the weather on one or more of the days of their visit will be sunny and spring-like. It's that strange time of year here when it's cloudy and rainy one hour and sunny the next. Or in the 30s one night, but in the 70s the following day. It's confusing, and my closet is a jumbled mess of T-shirts, skirts, sweaters, boots and flip-flops because I apparently need to be prepared for every possibility on a given day.

Don't get me wrong. I think I may prefer this crazy back-and-forth as opposed to constant 105-degree humidity. It's just a little more difficult to choose (or find) the appropriate attire in my closet.

(P.S. I made my dad look in the cabinet above the microwave when he arrived last week. I'm relieved to tell you there is no sign of any type of critter actually ever being in that cabinet. On the down side, I might be going crazy since I definitely heard clear, loud noises emanating from that space in the kitchen. Thank you and good day!)