Catching Up

I just can’t keep up! I should be writing more often to document Grace’s growth. It is happening so fast!

Soon after Grace turned one month, she started smiling at us. She now smiles quite a lot when she’s awake. A couple weeks ago she started “talking” to us a little more during her awake playtimes. She gurgles, and makes delighted noises. At her two-month appointment she weighed 9 lbs., 10 oz. and was 22 inches long. That’s the 18^th percentile for weight and 34^th for height.  She’s on her own little growth curve, so everything’s going well. She’s just a bit on the petite side (imagine that!). Also at that appointment, her pediatrician remarked on how well she can hold her head up. She definitely holds her head and shoulders up off the ground during tummy time. In fact, she refuses to lay her head down when she’s on her tummy! I’m a little sad she won’t sleep on top of my chest (then we could both get a nap at the same time), but lying on her tummy is apparently unbearable.

Saturday night I let Grace sleep as long as she would without getting her up to eat in the middle of the night. I fed her at 11 and she slept until 6:30! I’m still trying to figure out how best to do the late evening feeding and not have her wake up hungry at 5 a.m. I do not wish to start my day at 5 a.m. I know overall she’s a great sleeper, especially at night. The past couple days, she’s not been a great napper. She napped a whole lot on Sunday, then yesterday and today it’s been next to impossible to get her to sleep during the day. If she does fall asleep and I put her down, the nap only lasts for about 15 minutes before she wakes up.

Grace seems to be very social. (Although, busy days also tend to wear her out and cause her to sleep a lot the following day.) When we’re hanging out with friends, other kids or lots of family members, or when we have activities like church, Bible study, or lunch dates she seems extraordinarily happy. She’ll spend lots of time awake and happy, and then sleep in someone’s arms very contentedly when she’s tired.

On days like today, when she just won’t stay asleep if I lay her down, I usually resign myself to holding her for a nap at one point in the afternoon. I remind myself that rocking my baby is something that will be gone in the blink of an eye, so I just forget my to-do list and enjoy staring at her cute face and feeling her breathe. So what if the laundry doesn’t get done and the house is dirty?

Playtimes consist of laying on her play mat staring at the toys and accidentally batting at them, looking at her favorite book, “Look, Look” (a black and white picture book that makes her smile every time we read it), taking walks, rocking in her swing, sitting in her bouncy seat while I make dinner, dancing around with me, holding a rattle, singing songs while lying in my lap, smelling different things from the kitchen, and tummy time.

Despite the lack of daytime sleep the last couple days, I absolutely love being Grace’s mom and seeing her grow and change so quickly!

Miracles sometimes happen.

There’s an ear mark on my arm. (Not to be confused with an earmark. No, there’s not a legislative provision tattooed on my arm.)It’s a cute little ear indentation left behind by my daughter who spent the last 30 minutes getting comfy and falling asleep on my arm.

I love it.

I won’t go into detail, but I found out yesterday that the saga of reproductive health issues has already returned to my life. Other than the anxiety over whether our baby was healthy and thriving in the womb (and that finally decreased a lot once I got past 28 weeks), I got to spend nine months, plus the last two since her birth, unconcerned over the problems and issues I’ve been dealing with for…it seems forever.

Such unhappy health news so soon after her birth makes me even more aware of what a miracle our daughter is. It is truly amazing that she is alive and healthy. I pray fervently every day that she will not have to go through any of the reproductive problems I’ve experienced.

Of course to have this little girl with us - healthy, beautiful and smiling - I would pay any price. And I guess I am.

The truth is, we live life constantly in the company of joy and pain. I’ve written about that before. The joy of having Grace in our family, of holding her and seeing her little ear mark on my arm, of seeing her smile at me, of watching her grow and show more of her strong personality makes the painful reminders bearable.

She is growing so fast. I love her just the way she is every day. I want her to grow and mature. I love seeing it! Yet I also wonder if this will be the only chance I get to nurse, hold, rock, play with, and sing to a baby of mine. It’s in the back of my head. Even on fussy days when Grace is inconsolable, or refuses to be put down to sleep, I’m aware that this might be the only baby experience I get. I can’t soak it up or appreciate it enough!

 Another painful reminder is that Grace has an older sibling that we never got to meet other than by sonogram. It’s unfortunate timing that Mother’s Day falls in the same week as we discovered this miscarriage two years ago. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to live through the month of May without thinking about it.

I know there’s a big difference this year. This Mother’s Day I can actually hold and see and hear my child. I’m grateful every single day that I’m a mom with a healthy daughter. It is a miracle.

My heart goes out to all those still waiting for their miracle, or those who have lost a child, or who have an estranged child. I’m sure there are some for whom Mother’s Day is only sweet. I’ve been in the shoes of a woman for whom Mother’s Day is totally bitter. I think for many, it is bitter sweet.

 My mom might be one who can celebrate Mother’s Day as only sweet…and she deserves it! Yet she can also empathize with all my contrasting emotions. It means so much to me that she remembers my first child, too. I’m so thankful for all the ways she’s helped me be the mom I am now…and the woman I am before I ever knew I could be a mom.

I meant today.

A conversation that took place a little after 7 a.m. one morning as I’m feeding Grace (important note: last week our house got struck by lightning which messed up and otherwise fried all manner of electrical and battery-operated items in our home):

John: I called the electrician and they’re coming out today.

Me: So, I need to get dressed.

John: Oh, no, they’re booked and are working us into their schedule, so they won’t be here this morning. They probably won’t be here until this afternoon.

Me: So……I need to get dressed.


(I try very hard to be dressed by the time John gets home from work in the evening. I think there has only been maybe one day when this wasn’t accomplished. In all fairness, he really has no idea that many days when he comes home and sees me dressed, I only just got dressed at 5 p.m. )

Do I eat or get dressed?

I remember, maybe when I was in junior high, my mother saying she needed to start sitting down when she ate. I'm sure she read somewhere that standing while you eat is not healthy or something. You know, concentrate just on eating so you recognize what and how much you're eating or something like that. As a child, I wondered why on earth she was always standing up to eat anyway. How hard was it to just sit down for ten minutes?

Now I know. It's not that I don't have time to sit down for ten minutes. Once Grace gets sleepy and I lay her down, she may be content in her crib for ten or fifteen minutes...or, more rarely, an hour...before insisting that she needs to be in my arms. But I feel that if I sit down, she senses it and will awake immediately. So, if I choose to spend those five or ten minutes eating, I will remain standing. It's superstitious I know.

It's probably also ineffective because, really, I think once she senses me doing something essential, like eating or using the bathroom, she'll wake up and start crying for me to pick her up whether I'm standing, sitting or doing handstands.

The other issue I face is how to spend those ten minutes. It could be an hour, but I'd better plan on just ten minutes. Do I get dressed and wash my face, or do I eat? Do I use the bathroom or take my vitamins? I have become pretty adept at getting at least two of those things accomplished in ten minutes.

Speaking of standing while eating, I'm probably also breaking another healthy living ground rule by finishing off an entire meal in a record one and a half minutes. But how else am I also going to get dressed and use the bathroom?

Grace's Birthday

Dear Grace,

The day of your birth was not how I expected or initially wanted it to be. And that’s how I learned that, despite thinking I’d learned this lesson over and over in the past, I so easily revert to trying to control things on my own. I have expectations and fears that rule my actions and emotions, with no consideration of allowing God to be in control. So, in the last weeks of my pregnancy, I practiced letting go of my expectations and trusting the God who created you, and loves both of us so much, to take care of us and work out His perfect plan…not mine.

I really wanted to give birth vaginally and naturally. I prepared physically and mentally to do that. As the weeks ran on, you stayed transverse. I tried essential oil, a chiropractor, yoga positions, shining lights, acupuncture, and manual therapy to get you to move into a head-down position. When, at 37 weeks, my doctor told me we needed to just schedule a c-section in case you didn’t turn, I cried.

You never turned. I pushed out the c-section until it was only 2 days before your 40-week due date. It seems you were quite comfy right where you were. And I needed to learn what I was so afraid of, why I clung to having a false sense of control over you and your birth.

Unlike a natural birth, a c-section would require you to be taken away from me (within sight, in the same room, but nevertheless apart from being with me) while I was being stitched up. My doctor assured me it would be 15 minutes at the most, assuming everything was normal. I finally realized that this initial separation from you, even briefly, was making me feel the same sadness and desperation that I felt when your older sibling was taken away from us permanently. And my idea of a natural birth seemed like the healthiest thing for you in my head. Because of the miscarriage, I subconsciously carried around this sense that I had failed to care for and keep our first child safe; I desperately wanted to do everything in my power to keep you safe and secure.

But that’s not my job. I can’t keep you safe and secure. I can’t guarantee your health or happiness. I have no power over your life…or anyone’s. That is God’s job, and I was taking it from Him, thinking I could do it better. What an important lesson to learn. I hope working through all of that with you in my womb somehow transferred to you. I hope you also learned how much I love you, and how much we need to trust God rather than ourselves.

It was strange to know ahead of time when your birthday would be: March 5. Once in the OR, it took only 10 minutes or so to get prepped with a spinal, then your Daddy came in and within five minutes he was being told to get his camera ready and you were pulled from me and crying. Oh, were you crying! I looked over at the nurse holding you up for me to see and was amazed that all 7 lbs., 3 oz., 20 inches of you had been living inside me for nine months. This is what you looked like!

You are beautiful. So many people all over the world have prayed for you. I cannot imagine another child having more people so excited about them! There are so many people who are absolutely in love with you. None more than me and your Daddy. We are so grateful to have you in our family!

So, we stayed three and a half days in the hospital. We had such a hard time nursing; many tears were shed by both of us. Thankfully, your Grandma helped us figure it all out the day after we got home and there’s been no problems since. Boy, that hospital room was becoming old after a couple days. It was pretty big and all, but the thermostat was so unpredictable, the floors were so dirty by the time we left, and having nurses coming in the room all night was anything but restful. (Though the nurses were all the nicest people you could hope to meet!)

The day we went home was freezing and rainy. Grandpa even said he saw some snow flurries. Oddly, all winter had been mild, and within a week spring had come and gone and we are now clearly experiencing an early summer!

A month later, we are all so much happier and getting settled into having a family of three. Time goes so fast. We try to cherish every moment we have with you!

Happy one-month birthday! Love you!

Mommy

The Three of Us

How could I have known what it would really be like to have a child? The closest I have come to helping with a baby is my nephew…mostly after he came home from the NICU. And then I wasn’t even the one getting up all night to tube-feed him for hours on end. Maybe just by watching my sister, I could tell that taking care of a newborn (or a baby who just spent the first 4 months of his life in the NICU) is exhausting.

I’m also pretty rational. If a baby needs to eat 8-12 times a day, and it takes 30-45 minutes to nurse/burp/change diapers, that pretty much means very little sleep at a time…or at all.

So far, the way life seems at the moment, with an almost four-week-old is pretty close to how I imagined it would be. Except, my love for our little girl is a lot bigger than I imagined. This is definitely helpful when I have to drag myself out of bed at 2 a.m. or 5 a.m. to wake her up to nurse. (We have one of the only babies on the planet, apparently, who probably would sleep through the night right now if I didn’t set my alarm to wake her up to eat like she’s supposed to.)

I have been so thankful that we got almost a full month with family here with us to help out. Meaning, I got to take some naps and get a few other things done when Grace insists on being held rather than sleeping in her bed…or takes an hour after eating to finally burp.

And now it’s just the three of us. It’s easier to find Grace’s schedule and stick to it better with fewer people around. I’ve only had one crying spell, when John was still at work and Grace wouldn’t stop crying for nearly an hour and I was so tired, wishing she’d take a nap so I could, too. I am slightly more exhausted. The next month or two until I can stop waking her up so much at night to eat will be a blur, I’m sure. And then maybe I’ll just get accustomed to living life in a state of exhaustion! (At least, this is what my sister speculates happens. One day, when your child is two, you realize, “Wow. I’m tired all the time but I don’t really notice it anymore. I’m still functioning.”)

I cherish every moment I have with her nursing, or rocking, or sleeping. I know time will go so quickly. Even if the days don’t. Grace is already more alert during her awake times. Last Thursday morning, as she was lying on her play mat, she made some “ah” noises for the first time: happy noises rather than grunting, squeaking or crying. This weekend, with just me and her Daddy around, she’s gotten to spend more time with John…she always stops crying and gets comfortable when her Daddy holds her.

Week Two

I need to change the photo at the top of this blog because spring is here!

A baby girl is also here, which means I don't have time to change anything right now...except diapers.

Grace Elizabeth was born Monday, March 5 at 8:56 a.m. She weighed 7 lbs, 3 oz. and was 20 in. long. She is beautiful, and we love her.

I have come to the realization that I am not superwoman. If you have called or texted me and I have not responded, I apologize. I love all my friends and appreciate all the care they have for us right now. I'm just a new mom. We're trying to figure out nursing, wake times, the balance before Grace gets overstimulated and won't sleep, when I can sleep, and how I can eat enough to nurse her as often as she needs.

Maybe being older or waiting so long for a child puts things in perspective. Even on the long days I can think about how fast time will ultimately pass, stare into her little face and feel tremendously grateful. After all, this may be the only baby, or the only nursing experience, or the only newborn I ever get.

Speaking of being superwoman, when in the world am I supposed to find time to have someone over to take newborn pictures between all the nursing, attempts to control crying, and sleeping?

And I suppose if we do have someone over to take pictures that means I will have to change into something besides pajamas.