18 months next week!

I feel I should start calling Grace my "big girl" now instead of my "baby girl." Any time now, I know her constant gibberish will be understandable words (though she already says quite a lot of real words). She will eat almost anything. Unfortunately that includes dirt, rocks, and any plant life she finds. She climbs, tumbles, and pretty much runs everywhere rather than walking. She loves water, music, reading, and being around other people. Grace is a social, smart, energetic, sweet, fun girl.

This is such a good picture of Grace, but unfortunately it reminds me that we allowed her to watch a couple episodes of "Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood", a really great cartoon based on the land of make-believe from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood". I don't really want her watching TV yet, and even after four or five days of no TV, she will still pull me over and ask for "Tiger". Surely one of these days she will forget!

Schools here have been back in session for a couple weeks now, but none of my own activities have started yet. Since May I have been out of town about half the time, and it seems that when we're at home, half of that time we have guests staying with us. While all the traveling, visiting friends, and seeing family is so fun, I feel very disconnected from my actual life here at home. Between all our travel and out-of-town company, and other people traveling, I have pretty much lost touch with any friends I used to have here. I guess I'll be kind of starting over in that department once our fall activities start in the next couple weeks.

15 Months...yesterday

Right now on my laptop (which mostly resides on a kitchen counter because that's kind of where the center of my life is), I have open: twitter, facebook, email, an infant acetaminophen dosage chart, a crock pot recipe for chicken thighs, Quicken, a Caring Bridge page for the son of a friend of mine who is having surgery today, the description of a book that has just come out in which a friend of mine has written an essay, and the 10-day forecast for the area where my in-laws and sister live.

Today I am a friend, a mother, a nurse, a chef, a prayer warrior, an expert packer, a financial manager, a house cleaner, and the laundry lady. Interesting what a quick peek at my open windows reflects about my life.

Grace had her 15-month appointment today at the doctor. (Which is why I'm a nurse today. Three shots lead to a low fever and an irritable little person.) She's taller than I had imagined she would be, though that's still just an average height. She's skinny, but not unhealthy. No surprise there. She's smart and talks a lot, some of which we can understand. I guess the average number of words a 15-month-old says is 5-7. Grace says about 25 or so. I'm so proud that she knows body parts like nose, mouth and eyes, but can also differentiate between feet and toes, fingers and hands, and even knows eyebrows! She desperately wants to eat with a fork and spoon, and is adept at putting food from utensils into her mouth even though she can't spear or scoop food onto them on her own yet. She climbs. She can scale the kitchen table in 30 seconds...or less. Emotionally and socially she seems perfectly healthy at this point. No indicators of autism or anything.

I wish I had written down the first day I noticed that she had books memorized. It was maybe a couple months before she turned one. I was randomly reciting a line from one of her books while doing something in the living room. Three minutes later, she came up to me with that particular book from her room and wanted me to read it to her. Now she says certain words on page when we get to that part of a book: "Pop, pop, pop!" or "No!" or "Yes!" or "Plop".

It's a little bit sad that her sinful nature is starting to shine through. She now gets frustrated or angry when I stop her from doing something. Trying to bite me is her favorite form of retaliation. Or sometimes she clenches both fists in protest. I feel the need to do some research on discipline and time-outs for this age!

No matter what, I love her to pieces. We are so proud of the fun, friendly, smart, loving, curious, active little girl that she is.

OK, now on to the next task: expert packer!

No one needs to teach me to feel guilty or worried.

Our dry cleaner told me yesterday that her sister is a great-grandmother to a one-year-old boy, and, of course, her great-grandson is a "genius." Our dry cleaner went on to explain that he can't walk yet and apparently only says one word, "da-da", so she asked me when Grace started walking and if she says words. This was supposed to prove that her sister's great-grandson is indeed NOT a genius.

Here's something I've learned: just don't even talk about your child's milestones and developments to people other than grandparents (or maybe not even them if they tend to not agree that your child is the most beautiful, intelligent, gifted little person on the planet). Inevitably a comparison contest ensues and, no matter how advanced or gifted your own child is, you will end up worrying that your child is not growing and learning appropriately.

I tell my daughter all day long that I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world, that she's super smart, that she's so gifted, and that she's the happiest, most fun child ever. I just don't mention it to other people. Moms can do an adequate job all by themselves of feeling guilty and not good enough.

If we spend week after week in busyness, travel, hosting visitors and enjoying play dates, I feel guilty that I'm not letting Grace get enough sleep or quiet, which is detrimental to her growth and development. If I spend a week or two with very little social engagement, I feel lonely and that I'm harming my child by not offering adequate stimulation. If Grace eats less than normal for a day, I worry that she'll not grow properly or is sick, and if she starts eating a ton of food at every meal, I think in the back of my mind that maybe I'm offering her more than she really needs, though I never actually withhold food from my growing baby girl. See? No matter what I do, I can achieve the feeling of "not good enough."

So, this post by Jon Acuff is perfect: satan's favorite word.

My lesson for today? Accept (again!) that I am not enough. Focus on where I am right now and what God's doing right now, right where I am. Enjoy life, as imperfect as it is, right now. When I read or listen to people younger than I, it makes me realize how much I took for granted or didn't appreciate when I was in that different stage of life. So, in ten or twenty years, what will I look back on and think I didn't appreciate enough? I'm trying to anticipate those things and really enjoy and soak them up now: health, energy, stamina, Grace as a toddler, older family members, life with one child...

Focusing on what I'm not "enough" of or how things "could" be takes me out of the present and removes me from being thankful to God for His provision today.

Just a normal day

So, here's how the day's been thus far.

1.       Grace ingests approximately half of a TUMS tablet (and scatters half of the rest of the bottle of TUMS all over the floor). I call poison control to hear that she’ll be fine and get her to drink 4 oz. of water. Right. She doesn’t want more than two swallows. Maybe they meant 4 oz. over the next three hours.

2.       Between a leaky diaper, messy breakfast, and some spit-up (probably thanks to the TUMS), there are about three wardrobe changes before leaving the house.

3.       Even though we’re now ten minutes late for our play date at the children’s museum, Mommy needs a coffee. It’s almost 10 a.m. and half the city apparently also needs coffee. Somehow we’re still only ten minutes late to the museum.

4.       Grace is skipping her morning nap. Instead, she joyfully walks all over the children’s area of the museum putting all of the nasty play toys in her mouth. The low point is when I catch her putting an old chewed-up piece of gum in her mouth. She has a grand time.

5.       Or maybe the low point was when, five minutes after I put a dress-up hat on my head, some other moms come in proclaiming the lice infestation of several weeks ago seems to have started at this very museum, so don’t let your kids put the hats or scarves on their heads. You can check back in a couple days to see if our home becomes infested with lice or hand, foot and mouth disease…or both.

6.       All the business people at our chosen lunch venue are ecstatic to have the opportunity to dine with a 13 month-old, a 2-year-old, and a four-year-old while their moms attempt to converse while feeding and refereeing said children.

7.       Traffic is horrendous on the way home. So, of course, Grace falls asleep for about twenty minutes and awakens when we arrive home.

8.       I decide to let her play outside in the fresh air so maybe she’ll be tired enough to take an actual real nap in an hour. Much dirt and one small rock are ingested. Wardrobe change number four ensues. (Or maybe number five? I really lost count after the first three.)

9.       Has she even had 4 oz. of water yet today? I make her drink some more for good measure. (This also ensures that the rock is all the way down in her stomach and her mouth is no longer muddy.)

10.   After some books and a couple songs, I finally just decide to put a very non-sleepy little girl in her crib. She flails about, yelping and making other noises, for about 25 minutes. Just as I am about to consign myself to grumpiness and crying for the rest of the day, I hear…nothing. She has finally given up and fallen asleep.

 As I type, the nap is going on 40 minutes. At lunch, my friend and I were discussing how much another friend seems to get done in a day and we both come to the conclusion that she has one of the easiest children in the world. (We also decide you can never, ever compare yourself with other moms. It's always detrimental and completely useless.) That makes me realize that I don’t ever really think Grace is a difficult child. Sure, she is one of the quickest, most active children I know, but she is also one of the most social and happy. There are hard, hard moments in motherhood, but when I look at Grace’s face I can’t help but be overwhelmed with my love for her and gratefulness that I get to be her mom. I just need to concentrate on the big picture.

And drink enough caffeine to keep up with her.

So, Grace is one! (2 weeks ago!)

Recently two friends have given birth to their first children. Looking at their pictures stirs up conflicting emotions.

A.   I look at Grace and realize how big she’s gotten in the past year. All the growing happens so stealthily; living life with her means I barely notice as she fills out and gets taller.

B.   I feel sad that my little baby is no longer a little baby. She’s a little toddler (sort of…as soon as she decides to take the time to practice walking a bit more). I remember those first months where I didn’t think I could stare at her beautiful face too much or hold her in my arms long enough or love her more than I do. Heck. I guess I still feel that way!

C.   I feel relief that those first 3-6 months of endless nursing, pumping, and getting up in the night are over. (OK. We were blessed to have a baby who did her nights early on, but she had a hard time nursing and gaining weight so that was our big struggle.) And honestly, the relief could extend all the way through being done with the first 10 months since Grace took no more than two 20 minute naps a day between 5 and 10 months.

D.   So then, I feel empathy for those new moms who are living in the never-ending timeless days that stretch on and on. “Is it daytime or nighttime?” “Can I possibly be more tired than I am right now?” “Done nursing. We have to start again in a mere hour and a half.” “I hear crying in my head…all the time!”

E.   I also feel so happy for these new moms and the overflowing joy they are surely experiencing! It is hard to contain or express all the love!

F.    I hope sincerely that these new moms do not take their child for granted. Grace was our miracle after a long road of infertility and miscarriage, but truly every child is a miracle.

G.   I still remember how much looking at these new baby pictures a couple years ago would have been impossible for me to do without feeling some anger and grief – and definitely shedding some tears.

Part of the sadness I feel now looking at these pictures is the uncertainty I have that I will ever get to be pregnant and give birth again. I’ve said it before, but infertility and miscarriage can be described like being an amputee. Just as an amputee is so grateful to have his other limbs and his life, I am beyond thankful to have Grace with us. But the amputee has every right to still feel grief over the loss of a limb. I still grieve over the loss of our first child, and if I cannot have more biological children as we want, I will grieve that as well. It does not lessen my love or thankfulness for the daughter God has given us.

Now that I am a mom, I realize how much time moms spend talking to one another about their kids and discussing various parenting dilemmas. Before I even ever got pregnant I was tired of other people’s advice (which included everything I should try to get pregnant, why I should adopt, which doctors to go to, and on and on). Wisdom is understanding what works for you and that everyone is different. Wisdom is not forcing your opinion on anyone else or criticizing someone else’s parenting method (short of abuse and neglect, of course). Thankfully I’ve only had a few people vehemently tell me I am going about things the wrong way and their way is the ONLY way. I never want to do that to someone else.

Those of us who have children after infertility struggle with feeling a little bit guilty when we have complaints about our children. After all, our children are miraculous gifts for which we waited a long time, endured pain and trials, and spent a bunch of money; we should be nothing but grateful, right? I try to remind myself that the problems and complaints of being a mom are just another facet of parenting that I have the privilege of experiencing when I didn’t think it would ever happen.

On the other hand, I’m trying to just keep my mouth shut when I’m with others when it comes to the complaining. I’d much rather keep track of the joys my daughter brings me and share those things with others. I’m still real and honest, but no one likes to hang out with a complainer…no matter what the subject matter.

This past year has been so slow and super fast. Grace is a fun person and a truly happy little girl. It warms my heart to see John with her and know that Grace will grow up knowing without a doubt how much her dad loves her and thinks she is beautiful and special. I love Grace’s smile and her laugh. Even after a year, it still breaks my heart when she cries (although I know perfectly well it’s unavoidable and sometimes good for her). We still don’t know what color her eyes are, but they are gorgeous. We have so much fun as a family of three and look forward to things getting better and better every day!

Square TV

Sometimes I read other people's blogs and think, "When do those moms with small children ever have time to watch TV?"

I watch exactly three shows, but never, EVER in real time, and it's honestly been about three or four weeks since I've been caught up on two of those three shows. The one show I keep up with is Downton Abbey. (As in, sometime during the week I find time to watch the most recent episode in multiple parts, on the computer, usually while folding laundry.)

And this is the reason why we still have a square TV....and no cable. I can't tell you the last time I watched live television, and (other than Downton Abbey, which I watch on the computer) it's been several weeks since I've even used the Huluplus. This does not make a good case for spending money on a new TV.

This week I had to avert my eyes from numerous blog posts containing spoilers, and heard several times about how sad this week's episode of Downton Abbey was, so I decided to watch sooner this week rather than later.

Even knowing it would be sad did not prepare me. I (along with every other Downton Abbey viewer who has a heart) could not keep the tears from flowing over a fictional story and a fictional character. That's some great writing...and acting. It probably is so emotional because, though a fictional show, the situation is real. It's happened to people I know...or some similarly distressing, life-threatening situation involving babies and mothers.

In fact, I'm praying right now for a little baby girl named Berkley who is a week old and in the NICU with an, as yet, unspecified genetic disorder that's causing all sorts of medical and developmental issues. I can't keep the tears from coming when I pray for her and her family, or when I look at my own daughter and think, "What a miracle she is!"

After having a nephew who was born four months early, going through infertility, losing a baby, and now having a biological baby girl who is an undeserved gift, I perhaps feel a little bit more deeply about motherhood, infertility, and giving birth than I otherwise would have. It's funny how grief and joy are so intertwined and intense.

Would we truly appreciate and understand joy without experiencing grief?

Once again this year, in honor of our first child, we're making a gift to Compassion's Child Survival Program, which helps save the lives of babies and mothers in poverty. I guess being able to give to Compassion is just one more reason to go ahead and keep the square TV.

Pointing, Reaching, Stretching

A couple days ago I thought I noticed Grace pointing with her little pointer finger. I confirmed this morning that she has learned how to point to things she wants (this morning it was yogurt).

Although I never measure her, and her clothes all still seem to fit, I can tell Grace is growing taller based on which shelves on the bookcases she can reach. She has now started pulling down books form the top shelf of the bookcase in her room. Guess I'm going to need to relocate all those paper books I've been keeping out of her reach! I also need to reorganize the other bookcases since they're a mess of piled up, randomly stacked books that have migrated up to higher and higher shelves as Grace's reach extends.

Every time I remember Grace's first birthday will be here in just over a month, I want to cry. How can she be getting this old already? Of course, I'm also so happy to see her growing and developing and excited to see what she'll be like next month...or next year!

Recently, I've decided being a stay-at-home mom is perhaps not the healthiest or most natural job for me. Don't get me wrong: I wouldn't go back to work, and I can't imagine not spending so much time with my daughter now that I've gotten to be here at home with her for almost a year. It's just that I think I might be a bit more anxious (about everything!) than other stay-at-home moms. I still find myself worrying all the time about whether she's sleeping enough, whether I'm messing up by not letting her put herself to sleep most of the time, whether she's eating enough, whether I'm adequately balancing allowing her to be independent and having secure attachment with John and me, how I'm going to wean her, if she should be drinking from a cup already, whether she is getting enough social interaction, and the list could go on and on. Maybe every first-time mom thinks about these things often. I just feel like these are the things about which I am almost always thinking. Worrying is probably the more accurate word.

Also, is it really OK to get as little done as I am currently getting done? After a glass bowl shattered into a million pieces at lunch the other day (because I left it too close to Grace...or her reach had yet again extended!), I realized maybe one of the reasons I get less done is that I end up spending 45 minutes or an hour trying to clean up tiny shards of glass from everywhere in the kitchen...or instead of a quick diaper change before heading out the door, I have to clean up a blow-out complete with an outfit change...or rather than a 15-minute breakfast, Grace is ravenously hungry and keeps eating and eating and eating so breakfast lasts 45 minutes. When we get to the store, it takes ten minutes to put Grace's hat and coat on, get a shopping cart outfitted with the shopping cart cover, and belt my squirmy little girl into the cart seat. I used to be able to just walk into the store - it took a minute, tops. It makes me feel a bit better to realize how much extra time everything takes when I'm doing everything for me AND for Grace, or when I'm doing everything with a tiny child attached to my leg.

This is how my overly analytical mind works! It really helps to read books like How Children Succeed (Paul Tough). Now I have even more child-raising theories to ponder. (I thought it was actually a great book.)

All in all, I've decided I probably need to stop comparing myself to other moms. This most likely includes not getting on facebook except to post updates and pictures of Grace every once in a while for all those out-of-towners who like to watch her development. I made no New Year's resolutions, so maybe this can be my end-of-January resolution. Stop worrying could be another one, but that is honestly a life-long continual project for me! Being a mom is definitely stretching me.

Ten Months...and Happy New Year! (Yeah, I know it was, like, 2 weeks ago.)

Why do I feel like the worst mom ever for not documenting my only child's first year of tremendous development? Her baby book is only half done. When I remember to write down milestones, I usually make a note in my day planner and then jot them down in the baby book when I think of it. That hasn't happened for at least three months now. There are no pictures printed, no blog posts written, no videos taken.

Well, that's not completely true. I think I have a video of Grace grabbing a rattle for the first time, eating solids for the first time, and crawling for the first time.

Our little girl just turned ten months. How can one year be so close already? Grace crawls at a very efficient and fast pace now. Especially if she hears the fridge, freezer, or dishwasher opening, she's there in about two seconds! Some time during her ninth month, she really starting cruising along the furniture. Crawling and pulling up came right at the same time....along with pulling everything off the shelves she could reach. And her reach has extended. Now the second shelf items are no longer safe. Just before Christmas she really started opening cabinets of her own accord.

We're in trouble.

We ordered cabinet locks a couple days ago, and I'm making a pile of breakable items on the kitchen counter as she discovers more and more non-childproof items stored in the lower cabinets. Grace loves to empty out the cabinets so she can crawl into them...and reach even more stuff in the way back!

And there's also this:

There is no opening the dishwasher with Grace in the house unless you want her to "help".

Grace "sings" and knows the signs for "more" and "all done". If you ask her how big she is, she'll put both hands all the way up in the air so you can tell her, "Soooo big!". She has this little hand motion she makes that means she wants to sing "The Itsy Bitsy Spider" or she wants to sing it again after we've just sung it.

I love her laugh. Sometimes I can't figure out what she's laughing at, but it makes my day to hear her. Her smile is contagious, and it's a good thing she's so cute since she still takes very short and/or random naps and has decided to wake up almost every night at some point and scream and cry until we go in to settle her down.

Another thing she started doing right before Christmas is wanting to play chase. If I'm down on the floor with her and say "I'm gonna get you!", she'll take off crawling away and stop every once in a while to look back to see if I'm chasing her. Or she'll clap her hands, crawl away and stop and look back if she wants me to chase her. It is so fun!

She doesn't say any words, but I have no doubt she understands what we say most of the time. Grace babbles quite a lot, whether anyone is there to listen to her or not. I'm thankful every night that we moved here so John can be home with us in the evenings. We all get to eat dinner together, so Grace gets to be involved in our conversations and learns to be patient while eating with us at the table.

Here's just a random picture of Grace picking out her first Christmas tree.

We might not give her the job of choosing the tree anymore. For the first year since we've been married, the tree lasted, oh, about five days before it started shedding needles. At week two it started smelling like vomit. (Sorry, Grace! At least we escaped to Grammie and Pop's house to enjoy their artificial tree in all its unscented splendor.)

Grace is beautiful. I'm appreciating every little thing she does and how she changes and grows (even if I'm a failure at documenting it very well). I know I've said it before, but I can't imagine how I can love someone so much. Our daughter is such a wonderful, miraculous gift.

Will I forget?

When I see Grace sitting on her blanket playing, or up in her high chair eating baby food, or taking up so much more space on my lap than she did a couple months ago, I want to freeze every moment and remember it forever.

Our little girl is growing up so fast. Her own little personality is developing.

I'll tell you what else is developing: major separation anxiety. Though it's obviously anxiety-provoking for Grace to be handed off to anyone except me or John, I think it's as much if not more distressing for me to hear her crying her head off. Aaack. I hope this does not last too long.
After a fun lunch out with John and a good friend, I am in an after-lunch stupor, so I think this will have to be it for now. Might as well grab a nap, short as it may be, while Grace is sleeping...at least for now.

Don't blink or you'll miss it!

Fall is upon us. Actually, I think the first official day of the season is Saturday, but if I don't start thinking "fall" right now, from the very beginning of the season, it'll be Christmas before I know it. I can't count on the weather (which has been really lovely, but will be in the 90s the next few days) to put me in the spirit of autumn.

'Tis the season for baking. Must be, because I'm not usually overly excited when I read baking blogs. This morning, however, as I was perusing My Baking Addiction I found three recipes I feel I need to try: pumpkin granola bars, candy corn oreo truffles, and German chocolate brownies.

And I don't even really love candy corn or alternatively flavored oreos. Or German chocolate, for that matter. But somehow the recipes spoke to me today.

We'll see if those experiments come to pass!

What absolutely must happen is baking up some pumpkin bread. It's John's favorite, and I'm trying to make it more of a priority to make him feel special since I've kind of dropped the ball on our relationship since Grace came into our family. I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's the truth. Being a counselor, I logically know all about the importance of choosing to connect with your mate. I just never imagined how motherhood would zap me of all energy and creativity by  Grace's bedtime.

In case any of you care, this is the pumpkin bread recipe I use (straight from Katie Wilkinson, who I don't know, but contributed this recipe to the cookbook from Bella Vista First United Methodist Church, where my grandparents attended):

Pumpkin Bread I

3 c. granulated sugar                                            2 tsp. salt (scant)
1 c. vegetable oil                                                  1/2 tsp. ground cloves
4 eggs, beaten                                                       1 tsp. cinnamon
1 (1 lb.) can pumpkin                                           1 tsp. allspice
3 1/2 c. flour                                                         1 tsp. nutmeg
2 tsp. baking soda                                                 2/3 c. water

"Mix sugar, oil and eggs together; add pumpkin. Add dry ingredients. Add water; stir just until mixed. Pour batter into 2 greased and floured 5x9-inch loaf pans. (I use only Pam to grease the pans.) Bake at 350 degrees for 1 hour.
"This is an Amish recipe and it's my favorite bread to have with coffee at breakfast."

Thank you, Katie Wilkinson. I love your pumpkin bread with coffee, too!

Easy Dinner

Oh, I just can't get enough of this beautiful girl!

OK. Unless she's taking 45 minutes to eat or only sleeping for 20 minutes at nap times all day. On those days, someone is welcome to come relieve me so I can actually get something done. Or take a nap.

Look!

It's her new favorite position when she's playing on the floor or in her crib (which she sometimes does rather than take a nap!). Crawling will be here before we know it. And right now I'm hoping she waits to crawl until the new battery charger for the camera arrives in the mail. We seem to have lost the original, and the camera is on it's last little bit of battery power.

It's times like these I kind of wish I weren't the only person in the world without a smart phone. My vintage phone just doesn't take good pictures. Then common sense reminds me that a $5 battery charger is a heck of a lot cheaper than a smart phone monthly plan. Plus, I'm sure we have some time before Grace really crawls.

Because I love spending time with Grace (and some days I do a lot of that since she won't take a real nap, or is having a growth spurt and wants to eat all the time, or is just plain fussy and needy), most the time dinners need to be relatively easy and quick to make. Thanks to my friend Stacy, I have a copy of her favorite week of menus from emeals.com. (This is not a paid advertisement. In fact, I've never bought any eMeals plans and probably won't, but I'm sure it's a great deal for a lot of people.) eMeals features super easy recipes, and one of the recipes from the week I have is quickly becoming one of our favorite dinners.

Crustless Spinach Quiche
1 c 2% shredded mozzarella cheese
1/2 c fat-free half-and-half
1/3 c pesto, drain oil off
10 oz. pkg frozen chopped spinach, thawed/drained
1 1/2 c egg substitute (optional) OR 4-5 eggs or egg whites, whatever combo you'd like
Option: You can also place sliced tomatoes on top of the quiche before you bake it.

Combine all ingredients and pour into a sprayed pie plate. Bake at 375 for 45 to 55 minutes.

Six Months

Sometimes when I look at pictures of Grace from several months ago I get a little teary-eyed.

I can't imagine what it's going to be like in ten or 15 years!

But then, Grace is so beautiful and smiley and happy and fun that I can't be sad for long. She really is a delightful little girl.

Grace still eats veggies once a day and loves them. She's tried carrots, peas and avocados so far. I think this weekend we'll be having squash, so she can try that.

This weekend we were in Arkansas at John's uncle's lake house for a family reunion. Everybody got to meet Grace, and we got to meet her second cousin who is just 7 weeks old. Grace even went swimming in a two-foot deep little baby pool; she had a blast!

Now that she's rolling over, scooting herself around and sitting I know the day is just around the corner when I will not be able to leave her alone in a room for a second.

Here's how our six-month photo shoot ended yesterday:

She is pretty darling if I do say so myself.

Welcome to my trains of thought.

Bananas always seem like a good idea at the store, but then it all seems like a waste of money later in the week as they're languishing in the fruit bowl on the counter. All the bananas reach the perfect stage of ripeness at the same time and then begin to get too ripe the next day. Who's going to eat a whole bunch of bananas in one day?

I bought some Magnum bars yesterday at Target because they remind me of Amsterdam. This makes me think of Albert Heijn brand kaneel roomijs (cinnamon ice cream); now that really reminds me of the Netherlands!

Grace basically sat all by herself in her baby bathtub last night during bathtime. This morning she was extremely interested in herself in the mirror for the first time. She kept putting her head right up to the mirror and smiling.

Now that we're composting as well as recycling pretty much everything, we really hardly have any regular trash.

I was proud of our low trash content until I began thinking about all the water we use doing laundry. What with the cloth diapers and spit-up all over everything forcing multiple changes of clothing in one day (not to mention the mountainous piles of burp cloths we go through), we do at least two or three loads of laundry a day it seems.

We may spend a fortune on water, but we bought enough laundry detergent on Amazon to last us the next two years, and buying in bulk is really pretty cheap. I recommend Charlie's Soap Powder if you want a hypoallergenic, natural laundry soap. We bought it to use for cloth diapers and now use it for all our laundry. (This is not a paid advertisement. Charlie's Soap doesn't even know who I am.)

I wonder if I have time to whip up a batch of cinnamon roll dough while Grace is sleeping? (Yes, sleeping! Yesterday she took two long naps with relatively little crying involved and has now been sleeping for almost an hour.)

I'd better go do that right now!

What it took to get groceries this morning

1. Late morning feeding after a (miraculous) hour-long nap.
2. Finally get both of us dressed for the day
3. Carry Grace around in an upright position for a few minutes to get her to burp
4. Gather grocery list and diaper bag and place Grace in her car seat
5. Realize her diaper must have leaked because her skirt is all wet
6. Take Grace out of the car seat and back to her changing table to remedy the leaky diaper and change her skirt to a pair of shorts (Somehow the shorts still match the shirt she's wearing.)
7. While buckling her into the car seat (again), Grace spits up massively all over the car seat and her shirt.
8. Remove her from her car seat and back to the changing table for a change of shirt
9. Look at clock and realize she probably should have a nap in 45 minutes or so
10. Contemplate not even getting groceries today. We can eat bread, eggs, carrots and water for a couple meals, right?
11. Power through, get Grace back in her car seat (for the third time) and hope we can just get back home in time for a quick 30-minute nap (That doesn't happen, by the way. She sleeps for 10 minutes on the way home from the store and then refuses to sleep any more once we get home.)
12. Wonder how on earth moms with more than one kid ever get anywhere

Alone

John whisked Grace away for a walk after she ate breakfast this morning. They haven't returned, and I have now had an hour by myself in the house. Whereas last Sunday I arrived at church looking like I'd just rolled out of bed with no makeup and my hair going everywhere, I actually ironed a shirt, applied some makeup and did my hair today. Amazing what you can do with fifteen minutes sans baby.

I am cautiously optimistic that I can get to church with this same ironed shirt on my body. I'm always one spit-up away from throwing on whatever I can get my hands on just before I have to walk out the door.

I'm still not entirely comfortable leaving Grace with anyone except John. While it's nice to be able to take a nap when relatives are here, or go out for a few hours with my husband, or leave Grace in the nursery at church...I still have a little bit of nagging worry the entire time. In these moments when I get to be alone and John is caring for Grace, I can finally relax and not worry one bit.

Or I can be a little appalled at the state of my soul. When was the last time I thought about who I am or where I am? When did I last sit and listen to my Creator? Physically, I may be looking better than I did last Sunday, but spiritually it's rather like realizing I haven't had a shower in a week...or even looked at myself in the mirror or brushed my teeth or combed my hair.

I finally have a minute to really contemplate what a good friend shared with me last week: I need to figure out how to live in God's presence, doing everything in worship, amidst the day-to-day routine, the crying, and the constant presence of my child.

I need to be OK with not serving and ministering like I used to - outside the home all the time. This is a phase I'm in, and growing up my little girl is important. So is being a wife, a role I have kind of let go of and need to renew.

Quiet time is over now. My family is back home. Maybe I've at least showered and combed my hair. Maybe this is enough to spark in me a desire to find moments in my day to be still and quiet, to connect with the One who makes me clean and alive.

I hear crying in my head.

Two weeks ago I wrote that I have more free time now that Grace is getting formula for half her feedings. Apparently that doesn't translate into regular posting on the blog!

The newest event in Grace's life over the last two weeks is "eating" vegetables. Actually, she's started doing pretty well at swallowing the food rather than just spitting it out everywhere, though I still imagine she's only ingesting about half a tablespoon when she eats.

First there were carrots:

On one hand, it looks like she hates them, but on the other hand, she keeps grabbing for the spoon and leaning forward for more bites. The nasty face has since disappeared, so I think it was the texture that was a turn-off while the taste was new and yummy. She must be getting accustomed to the texture of pureed veggies now.

This week we started peas:

I don't know if she likes peas more than carrots or has just gained some skill in eating, but the peas do not seem to end up everywhere like the carrots.

We took our first trip to the zoo where Grace pretty much noticed ceiling fans and fences, but as you can see from the picture she was happy about it!

(I'm sure she saw the chimps who were right up at the window playing with the little boy standing next to us. That might be the extent of her animal viewing this trip.) The OKC zoo is pretty great; I think there are many more trips in our future. It was a fun morning spent with a friend and her two kiddos.

My parents came for a visit, and Grace discovered Grandpa's beard.

The photo is blurry, but her reaction to the beard on her face was hilarious!

Daddy picked some sunflowers for Grace:

She loves them. And she wants to eat them. She pretty much wants to eat everything.

If I could sum up the last couple days, I would show you a picture of Grace lying in her crib crying. However, I do not wish to remember this period of time so have not documented the torture we're all going through. I am trying to a.) get Grace to nap for longer than 20-30-minutes at a time, b.) wean her from being rocked to sleep, and c.) teach her to calm herself down and get to sleep on her own. The girl needs to nap! Being crabby and tired all day is not an option. There are differing opinions on the appropriate ways to do this, but I am using a method that a couple people have told me works within a few days.

So far, for most naps (including the one she is supposed to be taking right this minute), I get to listen to Grace make various noises and squeals for up to half an hour before she decides to start crying. I then go through intervals of listening to her cry and then attempting to calm her down until it's about time for her to eat again! Thankfully yesterday and today she has gotten one nice hour and a half or two hour nap, so I'm taking that as progress.

Unfortunately, the other two naps in the day consist mostly of a lot of crying and fussing with very little actual sleep. This makes for a most unpleasant evening. Last night I handed her off to John because I just couldn't bear the crying and fussing any more. Even when it's quiet, I imagine her crying in my head.

Hopefully, all this torture will end in a child who gets adequate sleep during the day and is able to be put down for a nap (or sleep at night) by anyone, including a babysitter because we need to start utilizing one of those for the sake of our marriage.

And....cue the crying. This will pass. I just need to keep telling myself that!

I used to be a writer.

So, I was just searching for a post I wrote about San Antonio, and in the process of finding it I stumbled upon a couple posts whose titles intrigued me. I can't remember what I had to eat for lunch, so I definitely can't remember anything I wrote on this blog two years ago...or more.

Turns out I used to be a pretty good writer. It makes me wonder how I can find more time to write now with an infant. Is that possible? However, even if I found the time it might turn out that my brain doesn't work quite the same as it used to. Or maybe I've lost sight of the humor in life now that I spend my days smelling like spit-up and wondering why on earth my five-month-old won't take a nap for longer than 30 minutes.

Somehow I doubt anyone else will think it's hilarious that my daughter will make high-pitched utterances for, literally, 15 minutes while trying to calm herself down to go to sleep and then suddenly conk out.

It's quite possible no one else will care that I still look at her face, her fingers, her little toes, her round knees, her beautiful dimples, and her eyes with their greys, blues, and browns and find it incredible that she's actually here. Our daughter is finally here, living with us, healthy, perfect.

Probably no one needs to read about a mother who can't adequately express how much she loves her daughter.

So, my material might need a little work.

But I should probably start off with finding some time. The moments are so rushed when Grace is sleeping and I'm not. (That has to do with the whole not sleeping more than 30 minutes at a time during the day.)

On that note, I must rush off to take a shower, get the dishes done, fold some laundry, make sure there's a clean bottle in the house, brush my teeth.....before it's time for her to wake up and eat again!

Has it really been three months?

This blog is becoming more and more sporadic! I have notes jotted down in various locations to try and remember everything our little princess is doing. I'm a bit sad that she's already five months old, despite very conscious attempts to cherish every moment.

So, on June 16 (according to a note I found), Grace rolled over purposefully for the first time. She was looking at me folding laundry, standing behind where she was laying on the floor. She waited until John came in to see what she was doing before she finally rolled over from her back to her tummy! Needless to say, she now does this constantly. She still has not really mastered rolling the other direction, although she does every once in a while. Once the rolling over became a regular occurrence (probably mid-July), we started leaving one of her arms out of her swaddle when she sleeps. This way she can sleep on her tummy and have more control over moving around and getting her head in an appropriate position to breathe.

Toward the middle of July, Grace started laughing. She'll laugh when tickled or if I make a funny face, but she just doesn't laugh all the time. I'm hoping she'll start to do more laughing rather than being an overly serious child. She sure does smile a lot, though!

About two days after her four-month check-up, Grace started doing push-ups. She's in better shape than I am! Just yesterday she began pushing up with her arms and putting one knee under her, so I can now imagine her crawling in a few months. This should be a sign that we need to start baby-proofing, but honestly we'll probably just procrastinate on that one until she actually breaks something we care about or nearly injures herself on some object we generally consider innocuous.

Unfortunately, Grace was underweight at her four-month checkup. She only gained a bit over a pound in two months, but she grew to 24 inches. Ever since that appointment on July 5, eating has been the focus of my life: me eating more, Grace nursing enough and latching correctly, pumping, pumping, and more pumping to try to increase supply. My quality of life has taken a nosedive. Seems it was all for naught since we returned to the doctor at five months only to find all that work only added a few more ounces to our daughter's little body. From the way she acts you'd never know she was underweight. She seems perfectly healthy, but I realize she probably should gain more than a few ounces in a month...or a pound in two months. I guess my breast milk is the equivalent of water from a calorie standpoint. I don't even understand how this is possible.

On the bright side, I've cut down the nursing and pumping, so I feel I have more free time. Since Grace takes a bottle half the time, if anyone else is around, they can feed her while I get in what feels like extra hours of non-feeding related activity. Hopefully one day she can weigh enough that I don't have to feed her every three hours and wake her up at 10:30 p.m. to feed her once again before she sleeps through the night.

At five months, because of the calorie/weight issues, I started giving her rice cereal once a day. I highly doubt this will actually add any calories to her diet since I'm guessing she may ingest only a couple teaspoons of the stuff. The majority of it gets spit or drooled out all over her bib, arms, hands, legs, and me. She's still getting the hang of swallowing without sucking. I add a tiny bit of cinnamon to the cereal since she seems to like it better that way. Next week we'll try some real vegetable puree.

At the end of July, Grace took her first trip to Estes Park. It was the perfect week to leave Oklahoma as the temperatures soared into the 110's for the first time all summer. The cool air in Estes Park was perfection. Grace loved hiking (aka: sleeping in her ergo baby carrier). She had a little cold while we were there, so it was nice to have some extra hands around to help with the parenting duties. This vacation also included Grace's first airplane ride. She loved it: being held the entire time and getting to see so many people smiling at her. Granted, the flight was only an hour and a half, so I'm not sure we're ready to head off to Australia or anything yet.

Two days after we got home, our power went out...for two days. It was in the 100's those days. We moved out, quickly and in the dark, that first night and stayed with a friend. I became horribly ill the day we moved back home. Is there such a thing as a 24-hour flu? If so, I had it.

And this will have to do for now. Time to feed our little munchkin again! Maybe the next post will be some photos.

Catching Up

I just can’t keep up! I should be writing more often to document Grace’s growth. It is happening so fast!

Soon after Grace turned one month, she started smiling at us. She now smiles quite a lot when she’s awake. A couple weeks ago she started “talking” to us a little more during her awake playtimes. She gurgles, and makes delighted noises. At her two-month appointment she weighed 9 lbs., 10 oz. and was 22 inches long. That’s the 18^th percentile for weight and 34^th for height.  She’s on her own little growth curve, so everything’s going well. She’s just a bit on the petite side (imagine that!). Also at that appointment, her pediatrician remarked on how well she can hold her head up. She definitely holds her head and shoulders up off the ground during tummy time. In fact, she refuses to lay her head down when she’s on her tummy! I’m a little sad she won’t sleep on top of my chest (then we could both get a nap at the same time), but lying on her tummy is apparently unbearable.

Saturday night I let Grace sleep as long as she would without getting her up to eat in the middle of the night. I fed her at 11 and she slept until 6:30! I’m still trying to figure out how best to do the late evening feeding and not have her wake up hungry at 5 a.m. I do not wish to start my day at 5 a.m. I know overall she’s a great sleeper, especially at night. The past couple days, she’s not been a great napper. She napped a whole lot on Sunday, then yesterday and today it’s been next to impossible to get her to sleep during the day. If she does fall asleep and I put her down, the nap only lasts for about 15 minutes before she wakes up.

Grace seems to be very social. (Although, busy days also tend to wear her out and cause her to sleep a lot the following day.) When we’re hanging out with friends, other kids or lots of family members, or when we have activities like church, Bible study, or lunch dates she seems extraordinarily happy. She’ll spend lots of time awake and happy, and then sleep in someone’s arms very contentedly when she’s tired.

On days like today, when she just won’t stay asleep if I lay her down, I usually resign myself to holding her for a nap at one point in the afternoon. I remind myself that rocking my baby is something that will be gone in the blink of an eye, so I just forget my to-do list and enjoy staring at her cute face and feeling her breathe. So what if the laundry doesn’t get done and the house is dirty?

Playtimes consist of laying on her play mat staring at the toys and accidentally batting at them, looking at her favorite book, “Look, Look” (a black and white picture book that makes her smile every time we read it), taking walks, rocking in her swing, sitting in her bouncy seat while I make dinner, dancing around with me, holding a rattle, singing songs while lying in my lap, smelling different things from the kitchen, and tummy time.

Despite the lack of daytime sleep the last couple days, I absolutely love being Grace’s mom and seeing her grow and change so quickly!