Catching Up

I just can’t keep up! I should be writing more often to document Grace’s growth. It is happening so fast!

Soon after Grace turned one month, she started smiling at us. She now smiles quite a lot when she’s awake. A couple weeks ago she started “talking” to us a little more during her awake playtimes. She gurgles, and makes delighted noises. At her two-month appointment she weighed 9 lbs., 10 oz. and was 22 inches long. That’s the 18^th percentile for weight and 34^th for height.  She’s on her own little growth curve, so everything’s going well. She’s just a bit on the petite side (imagine that!). Also at that appointment, her pediatrician remarked on how well she can hold her head up. She definitely holds her head and shoulders up off the ground during tummy time. In fact, she refuses to lay her head down when she’s on her tummy! I’m a little sad she won’t sleep on top of my chest (then we could both get a nap at the same time), but lying on her tummy is apparently unbearable.

Saturday night I let Grace sleep as long as she would without getting her up to eat in the middle of the night. I fed her at 11 and she slept until 6:30! I’m still trying to figure out how best to do the late evening feeding and not have her wake up hungry at 5 a.m. I do not wish to start my day at 5 a.m. I know overall she’s a great sleeper, especially at night. The past couple days, she’s not been a great napper. She napped a whole lot on Sunday, then yesterday and today it’s been next to impossible to get her to sleep during the day. If she does fall asleep and I put her down, the nap only lasts for about 15 minutes before she wakes up.

Grace seems to be very social. (Although, busy days also tend to wear her out and cause her to sleep a lot the following day.) When we’re hanging out with friends, other kids or lots of family members, or when we have activities like church, Bible study, or lunch dates she seems extraordinarily happy. She’ll spend lots of time awake and happy, and then sleep in someone’s arms very contentedly when she’s tired.

On days like today, when she just won’t stay asleep if I lay her down, I usually resign myself to holding her for a nap at one point in the afternoon. I remind myself that rocking my baby is something that will be gone in the blink of an eye, so I just forget my to-do list and enjoy staring at her cute face and feeling her breathe. So what if the laundry doesn’t get done and the house is dirty?

Playtimes consist of laying on her play mat staring at the toys and accidentally batting at them, looking at her favorite book, “Look, Look” (a black and white picture book that makes her smile every time we read it), taking walks, rocking in her swing, sitting in her bouncy seat while I make dinner, dancing around with me, holding a rattle, singing songs while lying in my lap, smelling different things from the kitchen, and tummy time.

Despite the lack of daytime sleep the last couple days, I absolutely love being Grace’s mom and seeing her grow and change so quickly!

Miracles sometimes happen.

There’s an ear mark on my arm. (Not to be confused with an earmark. No, there’s not a legislative provision tattooed on my arm.)It’s a cute little ear indentation left behind by my daughter who spent the last 30 minutes getting comfy and falling asleep on my arm.

I love it.

I won’t go into detail, but I found out yesterday that the saga of reproductive health issues has already returned to my life. Other than the anxiety over whether our baby was healthy and thriving in the womb (and that finally decreased a lot once I got past 28 weeks), I got to spend nine months, plus the last two since her birth, unconcerned over the problems and issues I’ve been dealing with for…it seems forever.

Such unhappy health news so soon after her birth makes me even more aware of what a miracle our daughter is. It is truly amazing that she is alive and healthy. I pray fervently every day that she will not have to go through any of the reproductive problems I’ve experienced.

Of course to have this little girl with us - healthy, beautiful and smiling - I would pay any price. And I guess I am.

The truth is, we live life constantly in the company of joy and pain. I’ve written about that before. The joy of having Grace in our family, of holding her and seeing her little ear mark on my arm, of seeing her smile at me, of watching her grow and show more of her strong personality makes the painful reminders bearable.

She is growing so fast. I love her just the way she is every day. I want her to grow and mature. I love seeing it! Yet I also wonder if this will be the only chance I get to nurse, hold, rock, play with, and sing to a baby of mine. It’s in the back of my head. Even on fussy days when Grace is inconsolable, or refuses to be put down to sleep, I’m aware that this might be the only baby experience I get. I can’t soak it up or appreciate it enough!

 Another painful reminder is that Grace has an older sibling that we never got to meet other than by sonogram. It’s unfortunate timing that Mother’s Day falls in the same week as we discovered this miscarriage two years ago. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to live through the month of May without thinking about it.

I know there’s a big difference this year. This Mother’s Day I can actually hold and see and hear my child. I’m grateful every single day that I’m a mom with a healthy daughter. It is a miracle.

My heart goes out to all those still waiting for their miracle, or those who have lost a child, or who have an estranged child. I’m sure there are some for whom Mother’s Day is only sweet. I’ve been in the shoes of a woman for whom Mother’s Day is totally bitter. I think for many, it is bitter sweet.

 My mom might be one who can celebrate Mother’s Day as only sweet…and she deserves it! Yet she can also empathize with all my contrasting emotions. It means so much to me that she remembers my first child, too. I’m so thankful for all the ways she’s helped me be the mom I am now…and the woman I am before I ever knew I could be a mom.